Day 3, the end.

Basically I got completely shocked by the realization that Jose, my x-bf, went back to his old ways. I don't know why I was shocked. I just never realized it would happen. I thought maybe I changed him for the better, made him see the light. But in reality, and in comparison to others, he's not that far away from the light. I think he's strong enough and he won't end up like my parents or the druggies at school. He has control and balance. I just hope he won't fall.

We weren't really on the same page. I was in "must fix" mode and he had something else in mind. He just wants us to be us. And if we decide we can't live without each other, then so be it. So I should move on. Don't try and fix anything. Don't even try to fix myself. The main thing I want to focus on for me right now is school. Then I want to juggle in a job. And then maybe a social life. That would be nice. I still want to stay close friends with him. Our lives are so connected. As much as I don't want to let go, I guess I have to. Now it's simply and purely breaking up. Just on good terms. It's so hard. And I'm afraid I'm going to end up not liking him. You see, I never really knew him until we started dating, and he changed a bit for me. So that's all I know. I never knew his party side.

I wish things weren't like this, and I'm probably gonna keep on crying for a while. But I guess it's whats best...

The hardest part probably is leaving his embrace. When we talked today we ended up in a hug on the couch. I could never forget that feeling. It's simple perfect. It makes me feel whole. It's probably one of the top 5 things that makes this so hard. I just hate being alone. I really don't want to give him up...

It's so ridiculously hard.

But I guess nobody said life was easy.

Day 2

10/24

Today I feel pretty good. I have not had a stomachache, headache or any other physical pain. I've been in pretty good spirits and I'm staying positive. I was kind of stressed earlier because I had a lot of homework to do and I have a test tomorrow. But that has changed, which I'll mention in a sec. I have not had a freak out today.

I haven't talked to Jose today. But, it's not a big deal. I told him yesterday how the space will be good. He still wants to talk, and I mean.. i do too. Definitely. But I really want to take things slow. One day at a time. If we do get back together it probably won't be for another month or so. But it's alright. It's like a vacation.

So my school work, I got up and I knew that I had to work hard today. I got computer stuff out of the way, ate breakfast, organized myself and sat down to read. It started off kind of hard but I decided I needed to just sit down somewhere and get things done. So I knocked out pre calc, contemporary lit., and my econ homework. I also finished up reading for Anatomy. I then decided that I would go to library and I knocked out a lot of review question type things for anatomy. I came home and haven't really done too much but all I have to do is study. I wanted to take a break until dinner and then cram a bunch of information in again. Hopefully it'll all stick in my sleep. I also will be studying during school.

I'm really happy that I got all the work done, especially right away. It's a good start.

I'm content. I have hope. And I just know that things will go good. No matter what happens, it's for the better.

Stay positive.

Time to change.

I go through these.... Freak outs. My head fills with hateful thoughts towards myself. I blame myself for things. I say that I'm not good enough. That I've failed. That I don't deserve love. And other things of this nature.

This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.

I completely understand.

And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.

He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.

The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.

Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.

My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.

"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."

Stay Positive!

Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.

See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.

Done

Okay, I'm done now, lets go back to everything being normal again.
I hate this.
hateithateithateithateit.
I went back to school today. Ya know he was all "I want to be friends still and hang out and talk" well I mean... friends still talk to each other in the hall. Friends still eat lunch together. Friends still talk to each other in class.
I'm just so alone.
Any other friends I have are his and I just feel like they look at me differently now and I make things awkward. I mean.. I wasn't talking to them just cause they were my boyfriends friend so I never thought they were just talking back because they had to.
I just...

He's going to get over this.
And I'm terrified.

He's so much apart of me.
I can't just give that up.

I'm completely unmotivated to do anything. I just want to sleep. Or hide forever away from the world. Never show my face again to society. Basically anything.

I hate this fucking feeling. It's just empty. Nothing matters. It's all shit.

I don't want to be left in the dirt.

I guess the good thing is I completely have lost my appetite for any food at all, hunger is extremely easy to ignore and basically the only reason I am eating because I know I have to.

And what if I got too skinny and he wouldn't want me back because of that...

Just fuck everything.

Break

We're calling it quits for a while.
me and Jose.
I'm not happy at all about it.
I feel empty.
I have physical symptoms of pain which I find peculiar. They say old people die after their significant other has purely of their heart stopping. I believe it. They can't handle it. Sometimes I feel like it too.
I just love that man.
Like these days where I knew where it was coming. I can't stop thinking about how I still believe that he's the most beautiful person I've ever known. He's so great on so many levels.
I don't know what's been up with him.
Part of it is my fault.
He feels like part of it is his fault.
I'm afraid that something else has been wrong. Something else has been happening.

I don't know.

We're keeping things open though.
He still wants to be friends cause I mean... we are best friends.
If anything I want that.
I mean.. I half feel like his mom, sometimes I feel like I care more about him then his actual mom.
Maybe that's a thing wrong with me.. he's not used to it.
Bah.
I have no idea.

My nose it getting pretty raw.
I'm not going to school tomorrow.
Need to catch up on homework.
Fuck it.
It would look good if I got my notes done and gave them to my teacher at the end of the day.
Lets see how that goes...
I need to stop by anyways afterward to get homework.

....
I just gotta keep telling myself, I want him to be happy, that's part of love.

I think he'd be proud of me if I got my act together a bit more and got a job.
Also if I did more things for myself.
I'll start trying to learn Japanese again.
If I can.

I don't know.

I'm so scared I'll turn to bones.

Pretty

I want to feel pretty again.
But I don't want to be obsessive again. I'm afraid of that. humph. d:

Yesterday me and Jose had a nice night. We made love and went to Macaroni Grill. I had pizza, it was yummy. He had this to die for lobster ravioli. I tried some of it, so good. And we shared chocolate cake. I don't want to think of the numbers. We went home and cuddled. It was nice. I miss it. But I think he enjoyed himself too. And he probably had a nice time after I went home playing video games and such. Sometimes I get worried but I think it's a good thing we're kind of keeping things apart. I'm not crowding him or anything and I can get my stuff done too. It's working good. It has to.

I'm skipping school today because today is pointless. I need to go and get homework after school though.

I should probably get myself ready for the day. I've been lazy and playing games. I want to at least practice my German and do the homework that I can. I guess I'm going to get my shot too sometime today. ugh. I don't want to be crazy. I wish it didn't do that to me. I almost wish that I could lock Jose into being with me by getting pregnant. But that would be beyond cruel. IT might not be what's happy for him. And I couldn't pull that off.

Blah. idk.

For college I guess I'll stay home for a year to make my mom happy and stop all this stress. But that means I need to get a job. It would make Jose happy. And when Jose is happy, I'm happy. And I'll be able to pay for things more. I still have a craving for Chipotle.

I'm waiting to be really thin till later. I just can't think about it right now.

Like really?

My life basically has been turned up-side-down.

Jose - We have come to the realization that we need to end our relationship sometime before college because it just won't work or something like that.
.... It makes me cry.
But.. I understand. And I have the belief that if we are truly meant to be together then one day life will throw us back together.
So basically all I want is to keep the status, as of now, the same. I want to enjoy the comfort he gives me. I want to give him everything he ever could want. I want to give him the room he needs and not be naggy to see him. If we aren't happy just being almost "friends with benefits" then it can stop with a few simple words. Of course my rules still stand. But things will be loose. I won't bug him. I won't need to see him all the time. He can hang out with friends. Things will be good. That's all I want. I want things to be good and for me to be happy until the end of my senior year. I'll take the summer to cry to myself everyday and be filled with anger. I'll take the summer to realize I need to take my life over and make myself happy, and don't rely on others.
Is that so hard to ask for?

College - I have officially decided (I forget if I've said this before, apologies) that I will go out of state for college. Unless for some strange reason Jose changes his mind. But being realistic, probably won't happen. (I might just send out some applications for in-state colleges just in case....) It's time to move. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people who will need to constantly change scenery. In my childhood I changed schools 5 times. And now I need to do it again.

Family - I've learned some things about my family that I hate to say and am basically ashamed of. My parents are going to officially separate. The moment my mom can get a job after the bankruptcy is finished he's going to move out. I've basically have been lied to my whole life. I never caught on. I guess I also appreciate that I never knew until now, since I'm older and more mature, but it still kinda is just like. geez. My dad has have a drug problem on and off basically since he was a young teen. My mom quit before my memory had started to form. They are both alcoholics. I already knew this but it's just an added bonus. My dad has probably cheated on my mom multiple times. They have not told me but, I can piece at least that together. It really makes me scared. If I never even knew the difference between my own father being sober or drunk/stoned then how could I have ever realized it on anybody else? ugh. My aunt is his supplier. My cousin is trapped in the same cycle as them. My grandma is pretty revealing when she's drunk. I hate the fact that she just assumes that I'm another stupid teen that'll fuck up their life with alcohol and drugs. "put a little beer in it, we won't say nothing." Fucking cunt. It's like I'm the lone white sheep in the family. I just want to get away.

School - I need to keep studying. I hope I can manage a B in AP US. I need to work on my German. There is no reason for me to not get an A in that class. And that's basically what I'll be doing this weekend.

Stupid pimples. I hate stress. I'm probably about the same weight. The food groove is good right now.

ugh

I don't even want to talk. Just ugh. Anger!

Few small changes to my goals
- a job can wait till the beginning of next year
- do everything possible to try and get into a college of my liking

I half want to cry
I half want to stop all this fucking crying and down on myself bullshit and get over it and just fix the fuck out of everything.
Things need to change, right the fuck now.

Goals

I want a change. Nough said.

Goals for October
- Possibly change birth control
- Maintain my weight (continue to not worry about it)
- Keep up with the regular yoga and sit-ups
- Get a B in AP US History (being... semi-realistic here)
- shoot for an A in all other classes
- Get a job

I don't want to go over board so that's enough. There's about 3 that I actually have to work for. Well 2 real hard, 1 go out of my way, and the other 3 are just maintaining. I can do it, right? I was having just "one of those days" I don't know how to explain it. But I hung out with Jose and he makes me feel better. I always plan to talk to him but it's difficult for me to do and especially when just being with him makes me feel better. I also had a little binge with chocolate milk, this little biscuit thing and a Swiss roll. I didn't eat the peanut butter crackers though! and because of it I'm gonna have a small dinner. aha idk x) that could have made me cry or something crazy before but it's no big deal.

Well off to dinner. Gotta do some homework and possibly get a good nights rest. Plan out some things maybe. Things will be good. I may update more often on my goals but who knows. Hope everyone is doing great!

Stay Positive.
That's the thing that'll get you through till tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so forth.

It's October

Yeah, it feels weird. Things are going by way too fast. Does anybody else feel like this too? Maybe it's just cause I'm getting older. Every year seems to go by faster and faster.

I haven't been paying too much attention to weight. It's no big deal. I don't feel bad either. This past week I've been doing at least a little bit of exercise each day. Today is an exception but I think I'm going to do yoga sometime this evening. I like the feeling of being sore. It just shows that your doing something. Especially my abs, I'm always happy when they're sore. Except I don't like to work my muscles too hard, they need to rest sometimes too so it's a give and take situation. I've been taking my calcium about everyday too. I need to get back in the habit of it, it's pretty bad when I don't.

Me and Jose have been good. I just kind of realized that he's more irritable (like easily irritated.. that the word for that right?) when he has to work so much and doesn't get very much sleep and can't do the things he wants. I'm trying to be really understanding. I have to learn to think about these things. I've also have been giving him plenty of room. He's worked 5 to close on Tuesday, Thursday, and today. All three days I went straight home so he can be alone at home too. That's a good 2 hours before he goes to work. And he's been honest with me too, I asked him if he wanted me over for a little bit today and he said he rather just relax. I get it, he also only had like 5 and a half hours of sleep. I hope he feels a lot better tomorrow. I'll text him but not bother him to get up unless it's like 2 o'clock. x) It also depends on if his friend slept over or not. But yeah. Overall I've been trying and hopefully it's paying off. I've even played halo with him so he wouldn't feel bad for playing while I was there. Plus it's fun. x)

I had a huge freak out like anxiety attack on Tuesday but since then I haven't been letting myself get stressed about school. It's all good. The quarter is over in like 2 weeks and I still have all A's except AP US which I hope I can get up to at least a B. Pretty sure I can do that. Just gotta work a little harder. I gotta get pumped! I really want to finish my homework for this weekend today so tomorrow I can relax and play games or clean or do anything I want that I haven't been able to in a little while. I just have to complete a review sheet for AP US and I want to make note cards, read, and do questions/make a review sheet for Anatomy. I can do this! yeah!

I have this feature on my yoga game, it's 5min yoga that focuses on a certain thing. It has 3 categories: mind, body, and beauty. I think? yeah. aha I guess it's just a placebo but it kind of works. x) I'll do the "focus" one so I can get stuff done. sounds like a good plan? alright!

For those who read this, I apologize for it not being food focused and more just my life focused. As of right now it's really working for me to just eat healthy and try not to think about it. We'll see how things go.

hope you all are doing great!

update

I've been eating like a normal person. Sooner or later somethings going to trigger me back but I'm thinking that I'm "raising my metabolism" and "it'll be fine, you won't gain" and things of that nature. I can see it though...

I did yoga this morning and sit ups. I want to start doing that every morning. At least I'll feel like I'm doing something and it might help with whatever stress that I have.

Speaking of stress, those plans I wrote up didn't go as I hoped. I'm still technically getting things done, it's just not the way I want to and I'm procrastinating way too much. (cough cough like now.) But I also want to do more. Like I should study German independently so I can get this stuff better. And of course Anatomy I could be preparing for all the time. Same thing with History.

I should get a job too but I'm kind of just waiting till the second half of the year(school year). Maybe then I'll have things down and under control.

Plus there's Jose. Oh my love.

I need to go onto the college website and figure out everything I need to get done. I'm kind of wanting to go out of state. You know, start new. Plus I think I need to be pushed into the situation. Like if I'm not almost forced to get a job or forced to move out I'll probably abuse the situation. I need to know what tests I should take/take again. How smart I need to be.

Don't even get me started on what I want my major to be. ugh. I'm still kind of thinking dietitian. It'll be alright...

I kind of just am overwhelmed with all these things. I also hate that my response is to not think about it, put it off, and sleep away my thoughts.

I don't want to fail at this.

Why can't I handle the things that everyone else seems to handle with ease.. Why couldn't I have been able to pick almost any school that I wanted.. Why have I rushed into this faster then I needed too.. Why am I trying to hold on so dearly to childhood.. and why do I feel like I'm going to loose everything.

People don't like change.

Why Hello

Things I've realized/learned this week.
- I've lost weight. And I do look better then I did months ago.
- I want to incorporate exercising into my day.
- Life isn't so bad when you let yourself eat a little and stop worrying.
- I need to give Jose room so that he won't get sick of me. Plus it will make him happy. And that's what I live for.
- Giving him more time alone will give me more time alone where I can get work done and fit in exercise time.
- Don't worry so much. Everything will be alright and in the long run it won't matter so much.
- Failure leads to recognizing your downfalls and therefor doing better in the future.

Plans for this weekend

wants
- Go on college website thing.
- Possibly run or exercise Friday night, more if possible.
- Message Sam back

Friday
- Get new Pants
- AP US: Notes 7.1
- Anatomy: Read ch. 3
- Pre Calc: Worksheet 5.5
- Econ: Read Ch. 2

Saturday
- AP US: Notes 7.2 and Questions for 7.1
- Anatomy: Notes/note cards for ch. 3
- Gov't: Pick topic for paper

Sunday
- AP US: Notes 7.3 and Questions for 7.2
-Econ: Review Chapter (end of chapter questions)


*Little update*
Got 2 pairs of new pants, yoga pants, 2 long sleeve t's and a button up plaid shirt too. I was excited, I fit into zeros. it's Old Navy so they run kind of big but still. It was cool. but Jose ruined that small little happy moment by saying that it was "ew". Basically calling me gross. They fit like my other pants, just a little tighter, what's the big deal? Made me angry. On top of that he gave me sarcastic one word answers and didn't respond when I told him "have a good day at work, love you babe" even though he had plenty of time to. Hopefully he's not spiteful and not send me a text when he's on break. :/ Guess I shouldn't have send "uhh okay or not.." afterward but this whole week he just has seemed like pissed with me except for the times when he doesn't want to which usually leads to him annoying the crap out of me by tickling me or things like that or if he wants sex. So lose lose situation for me. I mean sex is nice and all, just not when he ignores me afterward and I feel completely used. ugh. My mom is making yummy stir fry tonight. I don't care the calories. Not right now. I'll worry later. Or maybe not at all. Just as long as I can still fit in my new jeans. I'll start exercising. It'll be all good.

Things not to mention to Jose: If I'm hungry, how much I ate that day, how much I might want to eat for later, if I'm happy or not with my weight, how much exercise I did, if I'm looking for a job, amount of school work, my worries about school
and that's about it.
Not like I'm trying to hide anything from him, if he asks, I'll give an honest response, it just seems that those are the things in my life that stress him. So none of that. I'm trying to do what he wants here. And stressing him out is not one of them.

blah whatever, hope everyone is doing good. Even though nobody reads this but that's alright, maybe someday.

9/20

Pudding - 120

fruit cup - 80

half red skin potato - 50

Hawaiian roll - 100

misc stuff - 50

I guess I decided I should stop because Jose doesn't want me to continue. so 1,000 cals a day. or well make room for whatever dinner is. :/ I'll be fine. Just think, I'll be fine.

Chipotle - 625

Total: 1025

Dreadful Sunday

I'm really not liking today simply for the fact I have to do hours of homework and tomorrow is Monday and there's so much food I can eat, bah.

Bagel with butter - 190cal
Apple Juice - 150cal

I'm going to a clam bake. Mentioned it yesterday I think, only gonna eat clams.

Dozen Clams - 130
(11cal per clam)

Probably won't eat anything afterward. Hopefully.

Total - 600 (if I have 2 dozen clams)

There's these buffalo chicken wings that are just calling to me in the fridge though. I'm rounding it to 100cal each. there's at least 5.

I'm suspecting that next week is going to be hard to restrict. Still gonna try with the "have a normal good breakfast" and base it off of that. There's not much in my house to eat so hopefully that will help.

Hope everyone is doing lovely and had a great weekend!

Okay. uhh. update.
I ate
bagel with butter, apple juice, slice of pizza, 3 wings, ice cream, artichoke heart cheese stuffed fried ball thing, few chips, dozen clams, crab legs, butter with those things, little more then half a ear of corn, a few halves of red skin potatoes, few bites of Cole slaw, a few fries, water.

Three lines worth of food.

Dunno the calories, not going to try and calculate. I said "I will be happy today. I will eat and be merry. I will ignore my homework and finish the weekend off nicely." and that is how it went.
No worries. or it will ruin what I wanted.

It's no big deal. One day. Tomorrow I will be back to normal and everything will go smoothly.

I will work real hard all week and have another relaxing weekend. Catch up on some sleep, possibly get ahead in school work when Jose has work on Friday and Saturday.

Everything will work out great and be perfect.

I'm not doing so hot today.
Yogurt - 100cal
bagel - 140cal
with butter - 50cal
Total: 290 -(12:30pm)

And there's a possibility of pizza, wings, and something at a restaurant.

Oh goodness I just accepted an invitation to Denny's. I know I will have hot tea (no sugar ;) water and, well, let me look at their nutrition info.... I'm gonna go insane. It would be better if I was okay with eating more then like 200cal at a time.

Okay. biscuit and gravy with egg. - 430cal I think it said. I'll live. I'll try.
Only allowed to have one piece of pizza (250cal) tonight.
and if we go out for appetizers don't get a dessert and pick what is probably the most healthy. or convince him to get taco bell.

omg. It totals to more then I had in two days this past week.....

update: it was a fun day, Jose got me a bracelet to match the necklace he gave me last Christmas. (: kind of a late anniversary gift. I danced a lot and stuff so hopefully burned off a good amount of calories. geez I think my stomach just growled. I had a square piece of cheese pizza, carrots and a few celery sticks, The buffalo chicken raps from Denny's and no calories drinks. Plus my breakfast stuff. Doesn't sound like a lot of food but the calories are out of control. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I was 106.5 still today. I'm happy that I'm maintaining. Tomorrow I'm only gonna eat clams at the clam bake. And diet soda or water. I've been getting used to sugarless tea too. Small breakfast. It'll all be cool. I won't look at the scale till Monday or Tuesday. No big deal. And I've been working so hard lately. My body needs a little restriction break. I'll eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Well for tomorrow. Plus I need to get a lot of homework done and I don't need food stress x)

Hope you all had a great day/weekend!

Just Stop.

I ate a burger. who knows the calories.
I've been failing my boyfriend to keep him happy this week.
Just couldn't do anything right.
I've been trying.
School is stressing me like crazy.
I don't feel good.
And I can't complain about. Can't show my feelings to him. Cause I know he's 10x worse.
Just gotta pretend.
whatever.

I have some problems.
anxiety and control issues.

and the funny thing is a year ago I wasn't like this at all and now I can't even control myself. I can't calm down, I can't stop worrying, I can't stop thinking.

I hate it.

I can't even talk to him to comfort myself, he was too tired to walk me to the door let alone wake up to my texts...

I don't want to fail. I can't mess up.

I think it all spiraled out of control when Jose told me "well when I found the flaws of my past girlfriends it's what made me break up with them."

I'm afraid I won't be good enough. I just want to be perfect for him. Do everything right. But when I try it makes him angry. I don't know why.

well I guess it's because I'm not being myself. I'm just his little wife ish person.

It doesn't change the fact that I want to make him happy. That's all I want to do.

I fucking can't.

half the time he doesn't want to be with me, he's annoyed by me, I try to help and he just wants me to stop and leave him alone.

The next he wants to be lovey and hold me and talk to me.

I can't read his mind.
I wish I could so I would do the right thing...

"why aren't you being cuddly and cute?"
or silence and ignoring me.

my heart hurts.

I wanna stop crying.

I'm glad no one reads this because it's pitiful.

I don't want to feel like I'm fat anymore.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting worse because I actually thought I looked good last year at this weight.

It's not good enough now.

I don't like being busy.

He was right. I'm a complete stick in the mud and don't like anyone. I try.

I can't make friends.

Such.
A.
Fucking.
Burden.

I need to stop.

I hate myself so much, I hate all of this.

Why can't I be a normal person.

I don't even feel like I can go to homecoming tomorrow.
I can't dance.
I don't know the songs.
I can't sing.
I don't have friends to talk to.
He hates PDA anyways.
I'm not pretty enough to dance with.
I just do everything wrong.
Fucking wasted $15.
He needs that money.
I can't be selfish, I don't work hard like he does.
He's even eating less then me...
probably lost a lot of weight too.
I want that for him.
But why can't I do it too? I wanted to do it with him.
His friend is there to talk..
he's tired. I'm too selfish.
My nose hurts.
I need to sleep.

But I can't, my eyes won't stop and my nose won't stop. I do want to talk. But about what. all my fuck ups?

stopstopstopstopstop.

Homecoming

Well it's homecoming weekend. We're having a parade to throw candy out to kids. I'm on the float for robotics club. oh yes. Nerds all the way.

Fruit Cup - 80cal
yogurt - 100cal
rice - 120ish
... 300cal?
I had a sucker too. so however many calories that was. My muscles hurt though, I need some meat. but I shouldn't.. we'll see what happens.
I'll weigh myself tomorrow. my scale sucks so I gotta go to Joses.

busybusybusybusy.

My anatomy test got pushed back, yay. but now I'll probably have way too much work to do on Monday. boo procrastination.

Hope everyone is doing great. much love.

break the fast

I ate too much breakfast.

English Muffin - 110
egg - 70
cheese - 60
sausages - 195
total = 435

Guess what that means! no food for the rest of the day, deal?
I'll probably weigh myself again tomorrow. Hopefully still 106 or lower. Do you think I could hit 105 by Saturday?

I felt bad for my body. Plus I know I can ignore hunger after I ate again. d: I know I'm a loser..
Lean Pocket - 250
total = 685

better then the past two days though so all and all good. (yesterday I also had a banana so +100cal)

alright!

106.5lbs (:
610cal total (still got 6 hours though in the day) not so good. but it's alright!

Just trying to rehydrate myself cause I haven't been drinking enough water :/ Plus getting stuff done. I'm almost to a new low. It's exciting.

Hope everyone is doing awesome!

busy body

I don't know if I'll have time to make this all cool. :/ I'll find time eventually.

B: yogurt: 110cal
English Muffin: 110cal
Cheese Slice: 80cal
L: Life Water (:
S: V-8: 70cal
Lean Pocket: 180cal
D: Broccoli & cauliflower soup: 200cal?

Didn't really want to eat this much today but I have a lot of work to do and I need to have my mind off of food and more on my studies. So much work to do. I don't know how I'm going to fit everything in this week. Here's a good thought: Spend less time eating, more time being busy! Alright. Lets do this! x)

Mondays

I had sushi this morning, mainly because I had to eat it before it got bad. I knew I was gonna have kind of a shitty day so I decided to not eat for the rest of the day. so far so good but I still got 9 hours left before I sleep. I guess it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I don't think I did good on my history test though. I'm disappointed about that. I'm pretty sure I did good on my essay but you can't bullshit multiple choice questions. There goes my 100% in that class. d; I like the beginning of grading periods cause it's nice to have 100% in classes. I still have all A's though (I know, it's only the 3rd or 4th week of school) but I feel pretty good about it though.

I only had a bite of chicken when we went up to McDonalds with friends. Jose made me. Less than 3 and a half hours left. he's sleeping so hopefully we'll get out of dinner. If not I'll have as little as possible saying I have no appetite and my stomach hurts. lets hope. the sushi was at least 300 calories. Probably closer to 500 actually. That's enough for one day. And about the diet plan, those for days when I don't eat less. make any sense?

I went the rest of the night without food, yay. Lets see how I feel tomorrow, I think I'm always going to start off with a good healthy breakfast. It'll at least kick my metabolism in gear for the day. Sorry for the weird format. I think I'm going to change basically everything (visually) about my blog tomorrow. that is if I don't have too much hw. well good night and have wonderful days tomorrow!

Diet plan and what not. It's weak i knowww

Beverages
- water (9 cups)
- green tea

Food
- almonds
- spicy before sweet
- veggies
-fruits
- try to have little amount of carbs (except fruit)
- fish/seafood over meat (little as possible meat)
-dairy (within reason)

Exercise
- 30min cardio each day
- every other day work your core (planks, sit-ups of all styles, +squats)

Food No-No’s
- cabbage
- legumes
- Broccoli
- cauliflower
- apples
- “sugar free” items
- other bloat-y foods

Schedule
- Breakfast: 300-450cal
- water bottle during school
- lunch: 200-400cal, green tea
- exercise
-Snack: 50-200cal, water
-Dinner: 300-500cal, water
Total range: 850 – 1550cal

I'll go with this for a while and see how things go. If I gain I'll change it. I want a flat tummy and a high metabolism.

"Don't become anorexic D:"

I said I won't. I like food too much and told him about my failed attempt to not eat.

Wouldn't it be pretty if I got to the double digits.

Why does it have to be wrong. No, really. Why is it so wrong to want to be thin? Well it isn't. but it becomes wrong when you're already "thin" and the only way to lose weight is to not eat as much as you burn off.

And why does it have to be so hard.

I should work out so I won't die when the zombies come... =.= (yes I'm joking, I doubt there will ever be zombies but hey, endurance is the one thing that will save your life. and a gun.)

I had Chinese food last night, ate a portion of it, got home and heated up the rest of it, only ate like half or less of that cause I was full. I purposefully left it out so I couldn't eat it. yay for me, it's now out of my life.

I'm kind of confused with life. oh crap I have a history test tomorrow. It's Sunday. bah.

okay. I am going to create a diet. the "destroy the fat person" diet. o.O

I'll post the rules later.

ahaaa

you thought I was serious? naaawwww.

I fail. I know.

I'm gonna be playing it safe till I come up with someeethinggg.

soup(100), peanut butter crackers(130?), pizza(470), Hawaiian roll(100) and there's probably more to come.

Just wait until your hungry. geez. control yourself.

It's one of those days where I want to stuff my face with everything.

Everything.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow but ugh v.v I just really don't know how I can deal with myself at times. I'm so annoying.

it doesn't help I didn't tell jose.

bah.

and I was so happy I was 107 this morning....

FD1

So yes, hello to all of you great girls. Today is day one of my fast. I haven't really had a good time to ask Jose about it. So as of right now he's blissfully sleeping away under his black sheets. I'll talk about all that stuff in a sec. I think I'll be able to do it today. My parents are going to this clam bake / art festival thing and I don't have to go. yay. that has the evening covered. I'm not sure about this morning/afternoon though. I'm at Jose's house and he probably won't eat breakfast and will probably just snack on stuff for lunch. lets hope. I should start drinking some water.

Weight: 107lbs on the dot. (I was surprised by this because I thought I was averaging 110 but yesterday or the day before I was 108.5 in the middle of the day after eating. so. I guess it's pretty accurate.)

Yesterday (Friday) Jose stayed home from school and was sick. He barely ate anything, mainly just stayed in bed or on the couch. He tossed his cookies a few times, the whole shabang. But today he's feeling better so no need to worry (: I asked my parents last night if I could stay a little later then normal so I can comfort him and take care of him. My moms response was "we understand, you can stay the night if his parents are alright with it." his parents were sleeping and I'm not quiet sure what they think at the moment (if they ask I got here at 7ish) and everything is kind of working out. I love my parents x) the first actual night I was allowed to stay over. it was nice. even though he hogged the blankets and we had the air conditioning on. I eventually got a blanket though. x) so that was my night!

Love ya all, ya keep me inspired.

-Audri

A new plan? why yes indeed.

Until Saturday I will eat healthy things in decent proportions. Also following along with the "eat when I'm actually hungry" idea. Kind of in hopes of giving my metabolism a good healthy regular amount of energy so it can work at its best.

This is in preparation of a week long fast. I'm basically saying "fuck it" to health. sort of. People can go a week without food. It's really no big deal. And I want to super clean my system.
If my parents find out, my reasoning behind it will be: I've been getting stomach aches and it always seemed to happen after I eat so naturally it makes me want to not eat and I've been feeling kind of stressed with school and haven't always found the time to eat. Plus then when I started to think about it I thought maybe I should just take a tiny eating break to give my stomach a rest and really clean it out good with just water and stuff (in hopes to get rid of the stomach aches). blah blah blah.

The only reason I won't do it is if Jose won't let me. I'm going to tell him cause then he'll probably end up helping me. Like he can eat a large snack after school and so he won't be hungry for dinner so I won't need to like be in an awkward, I have to eat, situation. I think he'll be okay with it. I might try and convince him to do it with me.

Rules of the Week-Long Fast
- Only allowed to have zero calorie drinks. (water, diet/no sugar added tea, life water, ect.)
- Take calcium tablets in the morning. (my birth control depletes calcium in my body, there's nothing wrong with strong bones, and calcium is used in muscle contractions.)
- blog about how I feel that day and my weight

Yup. that's about all now that I'm thinking about it. But here are some thoughts I'll keep in mind considering this is my first fast.
- Don't put pressure on yourself to exercise (to avoid any obvious negative reactions)
- Don't be disappointed if you don't loose any/loose a small amount. (Even if it's only a pound that's better then nothing.)
- If you fail half way through, it's not a big deal. At least you tried and have now experienced what it's like and how difficult it is.
- if for some reason I feel like I'm going to die or if it's majorly taking a toll on my grades, stop!
- when you come off of the fast, eat only vegetables for the first day, vegetables and tiny bit of meat the second, veggies, small meat, small fruit for the third and then after that restrict and stay away from carbs and dairy. (basically eat small bites and gradually introduce it to the system again. like for example the first day back I'll eat 1 carrot. If that makes me hungry then I'll eat 1 more, wait a small amount of time, still hungry? have another. basically eat when I'm actually hungry. don't binge, even if it's healthy. go slow, take your time.)

Those are all basically just for me to keep in mind. If anyone wants to join me or has any good tips then please share, always willing and would love to talk to any of you :)
-Audri

I want to be.

I want to be a cute, small, fashion-forward, independent girl. I want my own cute little apartment that's next to everything I need. I want to be able to walk or ride my bike everywhere. I want to get up in the morning, eat a small breakfast, prepare a bento box for lunch, go for a morning jog, get myself and my love ready for the day and go off to the job I love. I want to be able to pick up fresh groceries on the way home. I want to prepare a lovely dinner for me and him. I want to cuddle up in bed and enjoy a book with a hot cup of tea while he watches TV next to me. I want things to be simple and beautiful and relaxing and perfect.

I don't want to worry about food. I don't want to be materialistic and waste my money on unnecessary expensive TV's and Computers and cars and redecorating every year. I don't want a lawn. I don't want a kid till I'm at least 29. I don't want a lot of animals, only a husky when I'm older and maybe some fish.

I will enjoy cleaning every Saturday. I will be fluent in Japanese. I will be a good cook. I will me nice and sweet. I will loving and supportive to him. I will have plants. I will not worry. I will be in control and have everything down to a T.

Simplistic.

I know I know

I know I just posted but I just feel like writing so listen! I'm really thirsty all of a sudden. I really need to keep up with water intake but it's kinda hard at school, I never like to go during class and the breaks between classes are too short so I've gotten into the habit of not going doing school and just waiting till home. The only problem with this is when I drink a whole water bottle by like 11 I have 3 hours till I get home. I just rather not drink a whole lot, it's easier.

I'm pretty tired. I got a lot of stuff done this morning and me and Jose went out to eat and went to the mall. It was kind of a sucky anniversary. I wonder if I could convince him to sleep over. hmm :/ He doesn't really care too much about actually sleeping with another person, he actually prefers to sleep alone. I'm completely different of course x) I think his whole problem is that he needs space, his preferred blankets and pillows and not to be bothered. His bed is too small so that gets in the way with the room thing. My bed fits us perfectly but it's not his pillows and blankets (even though I think he secretly likes them cause every time he's over he somehow falls asleep.) and I get up early. So I would bother him. But I love being with him. Not only just in general but I just feel so much better when I sleep with him. I never have any bad dreams, I wake up nice, it's warm, it's comfy. idk. I don't usually have a problem falling asleep but once I'm rested that's it. It's like okay whatever time to get up. there's no, oh let me sleep for just a little longer, but with him I'd picture it would be. oh blah it's all just talk. I still kinda just want to have a comfy day tomorrow with him though. I could probably convince him of that.

I'm stuffed to the rafters. is that the word you use in that saying? Well I'm still overly full. We were done eating at 2. It is now almost 7. I'm pretty sure I'm not eating again today. We had olive garden. I had this dish that had mussels, clams and shrimp in a sweet tomato and garlic sauce. It was supposed to have pasta with it but I don't like pasta. I have no idea how many calories it was. I know seafood is generally low in calories but that sauce could have has a lot of calories. Plus I had bread sticks and salad. Oh yeah, and dessert. I'm guessing around 1,000.. probably more. ugh v.v thinking about it makes me feel terrible. before that I only had 100 calories though.. if it was a normal day I would probably only have 500 but nah. I want to lose a few pounds by homecoming. I'd wear a dress. and I don't want to look like a slob.

I hate saying this but Jose needs to lose weight. v.v like it's getting kinda bad. Maybe I baby him too much, maybe I need to tell him to try and lose some weight. Over the summer I would always ask if he wants to exercise with me or diet with me. He never would. He wants to be happy. He enjoys food. But, there's a way to have yummy food and still lose weight. I mean he'd lose weight if he ate 1,500 calories and jogged for a half hour a day. talking to a girl who could fit 500 calories into a day and feel fine, 1,500 is a lot to work with. He could still have taco bell, he could have subway, he could even have a pop a day. It's just frustrating. Maybe he sees me stressing over food and calories so much that he just doesn't want to add that extra stress onto his life. I just want him to be happy. And deep down I don't think he is happy with himself. Food tastes good for only so long. The after effects can last a lifetime. I'm pretty sure he's gained about 60lbs since he met me. I feel terrible. Like really super bad. I feel like it's my fault v.v I mean yeah I gained a little weight too but I lost it. I've been maintaining. I can't force him to do anything though. maybe I can convince him to do it for like a week or two. I think if he saw some results then maybe.. idk v.v I just want to help him so bad. But no matter what I still love him. He's double my weight but I'm still attracted to him. ;sigh; d;

I wanted to get some flats but he doesn't like flats. like the shoe type... there were these cute $10 shoes (not flats). He liked uhm too. Not so much as the other kinds. idk. I just felt like I needed some new ones. I wonder when the mall closes.. I'm gonna go buy them now x)

I bought them! aha. So yeah. I'm now super tired. idk why it's only 8:30. I'm probably gonna study anatomy terms and fall asleep to discovery health.

sorry for the random ramble about the nonsense in my life! but oh well. Just felt like talkin.

x_x

Yesterday was good. I feel good today. But I'm in the mode where I know I need to eat. And if I try and not eat today I'll probably end up blowing it somehow so I should start in control and limits. idk. idk. ugh. I have to clean sooooo much. Everything is just messy. I hate it d; okay I just needed to share my frustration between my thoughts. We all wanna be thin but today I just don't think I can do it all that well. Maybe I'll do 1,000cal for the weekends and 500 for the weekdays. That will probably be good. Even if I did 1,000 everyday then I'd probably slowly lose weight. so I'm trying to stay positive! and I need some energy *-* My brain needs to work hard this weekend x) idk I'm making excuses lol but oh well. I hope all of you are doing well. Sorry for the two posts right in a row x) I feel bad for not blogging enough and then when I feel like I blog too much. bah. xD

have a good day -Audri

FGIF

Yeah it's friday woo! I'm going to spend it with a nice 4hour study session. yeeessss. But I'll relax with my baby afterward. That's my "reward" for doing it. Today has been good, 500cal limit again. I have no idea how I'm going to the smaller calorie limits. xD it's hard enough to accomplish this. Not like, control wise, I think I can handle it pretty well, but like tonight I hope I don't go over cause my mom might make me eat dinner or Jose might make me finish his fries from work and so on and so forth. Good news, I've only had 190(rounding it to 200 cause I always think I'm miscalculating) cals so far. It's almost 4pm. that's a whopping 300 for tonight! aha. My plan is to tell my mom that jose wants to go and get something after work cause he's sick of burgers. x) and my plan to tell jose is that I had a big dinner and I am not hungry! I kind of want to save 150cal just in case if we do go out, 99cent 150cal fresco taco at T-bell. I love them so much. Taco Bell is ridiculously cheap so that's all we ever go to anymore and 2 tacos for 300cal? that's awesome. I'm pretty sure you can't even get a small fry for 300cal. Always a good choice. So if any of you are craving american mexican food, I know chipotle is very tempting but even a salad there can range from 600-1000 cals. T-bell all the way! aha. So yes.

Tomorrow is our one year anniversary. He has work. But we have the afternoon together. Plus Sunday. So that's that. And I still have to study. So it's alrighty. Oh and I've been maintaining 110lbs since the time that I set that to be my goal. So that's good. I guess. I've also noticed, your body takes like 2 days to change. So like if you fast for 1 day, then eat a tiny bit the next day the morning after that you'll probably be feeling smaller and what not. It's weird idk. It's like I can eat like 4 pieces of pizza and the next day be normal weight and look alright but then a day or two later I might feel gross and fat and such. It's strange. I can't explain it. but I think it's true xD whatevaa

Keep goin girls -Audri

Weeee

long week! and I'm procrastinating doing notes. boo on me. I'll be quick though! 5min at the max. I have no idea what has sparked this. Maybe I'll think in a min and it'll come to me but I decided to try the ABC diet. As of today, the 500cal limit was met with possible room? Not quiet sure. I had this weird sandwich (90cal) A few carrots (10cal?) bag o' chips (130cal) vegetables (100cal) soup (100-120cal) some ham and lettuce (30-60cal) and I think that's it. so yeah. aha. it's cool. I love diet lipton ice tea. I think I started it because I was getting stomach aches and it always would hurt sometime after I ate. so... if I ever lose too much weight I'm blaming it on that. I have a stomach disease mwahaha. I have a ton of studying to do and sort of a busy weekend. I hope I do alrighty.

(: do good girls -Audri

quick

Just a quick post cause I should really be getting to bed. I've been busier so that's my reason for not blogging. Food has taken a back burner. So has Japanese, relaxation, cleaning and general other things. School consumes kids. I need to get more organized. But other then that I think I'm doing alrighty. I'm feeling better about Jose. Not like any of you need to know this but we, as you say, made love the other day. He's been seeming more normal and lovey and actually wanting of my presence. Which is very very good. I think I'm doing alright of showing him that I'll always be here. Cause I love him. No matter if I see him everyday or once a week. I'll do what makes him happy. I understand that he will be busy and I will try my darnedest to not get in the way of things or make him stressed. We can make it, I know it.

Other then that nothing much has been going on. Just life. I'm feeling better I think. I was in this funk. But things are getting better. I just needed a little bit of a change (:

btw I'm coloring my hair back to brown. x)

Love ya all -Audri

school... more or less

First day back to school. It was basically shit. I need my privileges so I can sit out in my car for an hour and fifteen min crying softly to myself. I already feel stressed. I'm too afraid to go out and get a job. I hate being a failure. I feel huge and stupid. Jose is idk. He's just.. trying to prove himself right I guess. Prove that he'll be too busy for me. That he will end up not wanting to deal with me. That I'll be too big of a stress in his life. Even though the shit we had last year, at least I had him. I could count on him being there. Now I just feel like a pain in the ass. My head hurts. Even that, why would I complain about that, well I can't even if I should or wanted to cause jose has a bigger one then I do.

ugh. and now I have to go and play happy go lucky trying to be perfect girlfriend and some how dry my eyes and clear my nose cause he's coming to get me. idk why. why can't he just get this pain over with so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

EDIT
Okay done and over with the whining, sorry, but to continue my post, I have more to tell. Still got the headache. Jose is sleeping, i'm outside working on homework and stuff.
Food intake: Peanut Butter toast. A few carrots. Fruit Cup. I think that's it? yeah so like 400cal or less. cool. Whatever. Dinner I have no idea. So yeah.

First day I guess wasn't as bad as I'm making it seem. I have good classes. The hard ones are the ones I'm generally interested in. So it's less of a chore. People in my classes are fine. Everything's fine. Okay I'm starting to get hungry now, boo, hour or so till dinner, I'll hold off. Not sure what else to write so yes. So long.

Blond

I'm currently in the process of dying my hair blond. It will either look retarded or beautiful. I'm hoping the latter. And that Jose likes it. I feel that it might be some like revelation in my life. Like that I'll be this brand new person and people at school will like me and I'll become popular and I'll be more adventurous and my boyfriend will be proud to be with me. rah. I need a change. I sure hope that it will turn out good. Cause I mean it's more then just hair. Like if it fails, it's no big deal and life will continue as normal. But if not, this could be semi-life changing.

What am I talking about I'm blowing it out of proportion lol x) but whateva! I haven't really thought about eating or counting calories or looking at scales (mainly cause I'm afraid) or even exercising. The exercise part I want to get back to cause I just noticed I have more definition in my legs and my calves actually have some muscle in them. It's kinda cool.

I'm going back to school in... 4 days? this Wednesday. It's supper scary. I'm completely planned out though. I know where I gotta go, know where my locker is, got my combo, know some people in my classes, know where I'm goin for lunch. I sure hope it will be a good year. I plan to grow up a bit, actually, scratch that. I hope to stay about the same in maturity but learn to have fun and let loose and be a dork. gain some self-confidence, just generally become a better me. I need that. I'm a litter scattered right now and I just need to bring all my good qualities all into one.

So I wish you girls all the best with whatever you're dealing with right now. If you're in a low, don't worry, you'll get through it. And if you're at a high, don't take it for granted! Be happy and love life no matter what's going on! Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to change things around.

"Forget Regret."

Maybe I should get a tattoo of that. x)

I know I'm crazy, but being positive is nice.

-Audri

Mope

Everyone seems in a rut. I think it's because it's the end of the summer. Or well basically for those who go to school. Today I have to go in to school to get paperwork done and get a parking pass and my senior privileges blah blah blah. Scary. Today I've decided to drink Mountain dew only until my dinner of one small five guys burger with hot sauce, no cheese, and vegetables. no fries. But I probably will eat some anyways. Kind of a completely bad idea. For all Mountain dew is is carbs. but whatever d; I still have a lot of my book to get done. About 70 pages. I guess that's better then before though. And my schedule will tell me if I need to read my other two books. Lovely. With my luck I'll be completely screwed and I'll have to read both of them. If this happens then I'll wake up at 6 like I'm suppose to do for school then I'll have about 6 hours to just read before my day actually starts.

I'm completely scared for school. The usual. I'm a wimp. lol

My body seems like it's kind of getting the picture, despite the fact I've been doing bad and haven't really been exercising. I'm just like. ugh. I don't have time to worry about all this shit and workout for 2 hours (including the breaks in between ;)

My Japanese inspiration is coming back to me. What I mean is I've been inspired to go back to learning Japanese. I've wanted to learn for.... 4/5 years now? and I've gotten as far as learning the majority of Hiragana. I have little vocabulary that I know. I sort of know about 5 Kanji. Lame-o. But I'm trying! again.. I've actually made small progress earlier this summer so if I brush up on that and further it then technically I am in good shape. And even if I fall out of it as long as I take at least one week out of every month to review and add a little then maybe slowly I'll somehow learn more then how I have been in the last few years. whatevas.

GAH

Yesterday was horrible. So extremely horrible. And guess what, there's leftovers! half of me just wants to stuff my face the whole day long again and just eateateateat. But I can't. No. not again.

I either want to do a fast or like a low calorie limit. I doubt I would actually be able to fast though with all the people around me and Jose wouldn't like it either. And I hate wasting food. ugh. So I'm thinking 500cal limit, I won't fuss much about like "oh I should eat to kick start my metabolism" stuff like that. Cause I really shouldn't waste my time and cals like that. basically eat very little, and I won't exercise all too much cause I don't want to lose way too much weight and I don't want to be extremely fatigued.

Just, can't deal.

7/14

I'm really thirsty. But I hate tap water ;c

119 pages to go in "The American Revolution: A History" By Gordon Wood. Plus 6 questions from the worksheet and the summary thing.

Wednesday I get my schedule, very excited for.

The Wednesday after that school starts, not so excited. But I'm a senior woo! It feel so strange cause I'm graduating early. Well I just fit all the requirements into 3 years so I kind of just skipped my Junior year. Long story as to why.

I have to go clean the bathroom.

I vowed not to pester Jose or go over his house until he has texted me back. It's almost 2 o'clock. =.= But I know he's still sleeping. He really needs to get his schedule fixed.

My body just now wants to switch my sleeping schedule. I won't allow it though.

Yesterday I was probably between 1,000 and 2,000 calories and without exercise. All crap food too.

Today I had a quesadilla. Yup.

I probably won't exercise cause it's 90 outside and I can't run or do the workout video and I have more important things to do instead of yoga.

I kind of sorta want to fast but I just can't do that to my body v.v

Random

Okay this has nothing to do with eating or anything really at all it's just a bunch of hullabaloo that came to my mind in the shower. It's very strange and it's a huge peek into my mind. Feel free to read, I'll be writing like I'm addressing someone, but by all means, if you don't have an interest in my crazy mind then move on. x)

My Life: A History
So way back when in the 7th grade I got the idea that I was transgendered. This was sparked by the book Luna by Julie Ann Peters? (forgive me if that's not the Author) At the time I wasn't sure what my sexuality was or why I was feeling the way I was. And being transgendered put everything together. Nice and neat into a pretty little label. So I went on for months engulfing myself in my new being. I was currently involved with a girl. Things felt right, and I was on the path to being happy and truly myself. I fell in love with a queer boy over the internet. I told my parents about how I felt. I went to therapy. I faked that I changed my mind cause I didn't want to deal with their bull. I kept my feelings bottled up. I had a rough 8th grade year. I strapped my boobs down. I even had problems with my body and how it looked then. (though it was because I hated being female not just because I thought I was fat.) I faked who I was on the internet. Well, it felt like I was really being me but that's not how people saw it. I left the Queer boy, because my parents thought it was bring me back to thinking I was trans. I dated a real boy for a few months. But then came along the queer boy again. I left the real boy for him. I told the queer boy that I was really a fucked up girl. Then he told me he was a girl too. But not for the reasons why I called myself a he. And then we became a cute little couple. At the end of the story she fucked my mind up and I'm still paying for it now in my relationship with Jose. I was still me though. I excepted the fact that I was female but I still held my manliness in me. I needed to work on myself and the summer between 9th and 10th grade that's what I did. That's where this all began. I lost weight and hung out with stupid fucking people but I was me and stayed true to myself. I was still jealous of the boys, but now of the girls too. I needed to be tiny to matter what my gender. When I met my new love Jose, I started to change again. I was no longer solely me. I was his partner. His love. I did anything and everything I could to please him. Sadly this backfired. And in the process i lost myself. I'm now emotional, crazy, female, semi-girly and the sheltered shy little girl I was before. I lost all my progress. I am no longer him, (his name was Parker) I no longer have my silent ego, I am not chill and relaxed, I now care what people think about me. I am not my strange weird self. I'm just crazy.

This has now brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I have lost him. How many days I strived. How angry I was. How much power I held within myself. All lost.

The thought that acured to me was - I was only happy when I was him. That's who I truly am and who I want to be. I tried so hard, just like now, except I succeeded. It was right.

Now what does this mean? I mean, nobody said I have to actually change my gender. But can I be that guy in my mind and still be with Jose? Is that the key to making me and him both happy? I'm so extremely confused and scared. There's a lot of me now I don't want to lose. But I know in my mind now that that mind set is what I need. I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to be perfect in school, I don't need to be the picture perfect girl. I just need him.

I wish I wrote in a blog back then. Everything I wrote on my old computers are gone and I have nothing to inspire me.

I feel kind of stupid.
- for wasting this year and reversing all that I've done.
- for trying to go back. (what if I'm wrong and this won't help at all...)

I miss who I was.

I haven't felt right this whole God Damn year.

It's not because of Jose.

It's because me myself and I have gave up. Gave everything to him. In hopes that it would cure me.

Fuck that.

I liked me. He liked me.

I just sure as hell hope he's still somewhere hidden in this skull of mine.

Livestrong

Does anyone use that site? Livestrong.com is a calorie counting, workout tracking, inspirational website. Now yes, it's for those looking for fitness and health. And most people wouldn't call what we do healthy. But unless you put yourself out there no one is going to look at your account. So it's just a simple way to keep track of everything. Plus all you gotta do is type in the name of the food or exercise and select how much you ate or how long you worked out and it automatically has all the numbers! A lot easier instead of trying to memorize food labels.

I feel kind of bad though cause it says I should eat like 1,800 calories a day. Which is completely wrong. I've been maintaining my weight and have been eating in the 1,000 to 1,500 calorie range with exercising at least 300cal of it off. Sooo idc if I'll be under haha but it's pretty cool actually. And it has so many articles on like the best foods to eat and how to tone certain body areas and idk all this stuff. So if any of you are into that sort of thing go check it out! And if you want to add me as a friend on their that's cool just comment and I'll give ya the info (:

Aha.

So I'm already procrastinating on school stuff, haha. I have a book to read for AP US History. Alrighty. I've got it this morning and am on page 12. But I'm also writing like a summary of each part and am doing the questions while I read it instead of at the end. Is it weird that I procrastinate by adding things that I don't need to do? like the summary. It might help. Who knows. I looked on the calendar of stuff we're gonna do and it says nothing about this book. So x) yeah.

I wonder how I'm going to react to the new school year food wise. I'm one of those people who eat when they're bored or when they're procrastinating. So I'll either eat more or I'll eat less. cause now that I know my faults I can be like "no! you're just doing this cause you're bored, you're not hungry yet!" And I don't know if I can keep up exercising. Cause, well we have an elliptical. But it's in my sisters "room" which was originally mine and Jose's room to hang out when we're over here but she took it over. But she works.. but she also keeps the place a disaster area. And it's gross. So disgusting. Everything about her is ew. Maybe it'll motivate me to keep it up when I'm exercising? x) whateves.

I'm slightly mad at Jose cause he got a skype and idk who the hell he's talking to and I mean, facebook chat is one thing but when you add a camera like it can go to way different levels of terribleness. But I know that I just need to chill. Give it up. I'll catch him if he does anything wrong. Until then, life is good, life is happy, he loves me and I love him. Nothing is wrong until something actually is wrong. yes. Stop this bullshit in my head. I'm trying to get better d: Just be me. Don't depend on him so much. You got things to do too. You can be fun and happy without him. Positive self talk. yay.

I really should get back to work haha. idk why I even write in here I feel so dumb sometimes.

whoaaaa

My ring doesn't fit. So I'm losing weight in my fingers? but not places that matter... awesome! =.=

I want to be 105 by the time I dye my hair blond.

I exercised and am doing good today woo

I post too much. lame-o. right here. It's not even interesting either.

You girls inspire me though to keep at it.

WinterGirls - Reviewed.

I'm not like a pro here I'm just saying what I thought about the book. x) It was pretty good. Kind of scary though. That's probably how I was able to read it so fast. d; It scares me cause I don't want to end up like that. As I've said before, I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder. Just a food complex. I want to be strong and healthy. But I still envy those tiny little girls walking around at school or the mall. People already tell me I'm skinny and if I drop any lower in weight my doctor will probably flip. But I don't feel like I'm that small. Like what if I'm already messed up in my thinking and body image. I don't know it just scares me. x)

One part of the book I liked was when she went to the bake sale. The ladies that were there were all like 'oh you're so small, you don't have to worry like us, eat somethin!" And that's exactly the mindset of America. If you're skinny, there is no reason for you to exercise or eat healthy foods. And if you do this there must be something wrong with you. I hate it. HateItHateItHateIt. Cause I'm sitting here, barely able to jog for a minute straight, arteries already starting to line with cholesterol, lungs in bad condition from living with smokers, bubbly ripples of fat around my stomach and thighs. Do they not see the picture? Everyone should exercise. Everyone should eat right. Everyone should be working towards perfection.

I'm happy about the ending of the book. It just reminds me how I want to sort of specialize in trying to recover people with an ED. Show them that there is a way to stay healthy and love how you look. idk if my theory's will work though. But I mean if I just had to never look at a scale again and eat whatever floats my way and not exercise like I think I should then I'd probably go crazy. It's just something that I think we all worry about, all the time. And if we just redirect the mind from going "I must lose weight no matter what" to "I must be healthy no matter what" then those people can still have similar thoughts and worries and feelings that they're naturally always going to have except they have a different goal in mind so they can tackle all their worries in a more positive manner. It seems like it would work in my head. I dunno d:

Okay so this is less of a book review and more of "thoughts that came to mind while reading." But over all it was a good book, very engaging? I guess you would call it that. x) well worth the read, it's not that long either. So go buy it or find it online! xD

Hmm.

I kinda don't know how I feel right now. I'm worrying that I might drop too low. But I'm still in the mind set that I need to still be healthy. So even if progress is slow I think that's okay. But it's not so hard to ignore my hunger or anything like that it's just when I reach the point where my stomach is screaming at me, I decide that I probably have to eat. Which isn't bad but the finding something to eat then eating in proportion and then not eating again in a little bit is my problem. Running is kind of helping, cause I feel like I can't eat anything for 2 hours before I run and then after I run I'm not hungry anymore. So I like that. But then I go through the mind process of realizing I should eat something and blah blah blah. I can't wait till I'm old enough to pick my own food in the house. like in my own house d; I guess I could go grocery shopping and tell my mom what exactly I want but idk.

My nose hurts cause I was blowing my nose with toilet paper instead of tissues.

My life is being a little crazy and I'm focusing more and more on eating and stuff. d; A few of the girls blogging though are reading Wintergirls so I decided to start reading too. x) it's good, probably finish it today or tomorrow.

School starts in 16 days. uhhhhh. fuck. :/ I still can't wear tank tops without being ridiculously self conscious and have to wear a hoodie over it d; boo. I feel my weights going down but my body isn't changing. I'll start sit-ups again cause the program thing just didn't work x) bad timing.

I sit down thinking I'll write just like a paragraph and I get a page. Sorry x)

Keep at it girls, you're all lovely.

Juice

so i completely don't understand juice fasting as of now.

-You drink calories: This is usually a huge no no and most juices have a ton of calories just for a small 8oz.

- In no way is it in the lines of healthy: Unless you get a special, vitamin enriched drink, then there isn't much nutritional value. Mostly just sugar. You could count vitamin C but your body needs more then just that.

- It makes you feel like you're not going to gain anything: This feels nice, but later that day when you've drank too much and you're feeling a bit bloated or when you don't count the calories and go way past any sort of limit, you realize this is a bad thing.

At first I thought it was a good idea but now I think there are more cons then pros. I guess it could be used to keep your metabolism up? I'm not sure if it's true or not so who knows. And I guess it gives you energy so you don't pass out or anything. But it's not like you get full at all.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that it seems way more simple to me to eat a large amount of veggies for 100cal instead of an 8oz glass of juice for 180cal. for example~

Small whole wheat Bagel or slice of bread - 100cal

Yogurt - 70-100cal

Vegetables - 100cal

Breakfast lunch and dinner for 300cal. Gives you more nutrition then just juice, most likely less calories and fills you up better too!

Did I tell you guys I want to be a dietitian? Well yeah I think I'd be good at it. x) or at least enjoy it.

Tell me your guy's opinions! feel free to prove me wrong ;)

Time

I need a Job. 'nough said.

I was negative Calories. Then ate a hot dog. And some texas toast (not all of it, like 3 bites), and pizza for dinner. Basically at least 1000cal. blah.

10cal propel powder things aren't bad I guess if you're sick of no flavor.

I want to be a dietitian I think. But life is so... depressing? Kind of disappointing too. Like. I don't want to screw up. So it makes me sad cause inevitably I will fail at least like half the time.

I want to learn Japanese and be a tiny little girl that could still kick your butt and can handle the stress of a job, boyfriend and awesome grades in school. Whoachaw.

So. Much. Wasted. Time.

Strength

Since I've started running (I'm on week2, day 1) I've been feeling really good about it. I can see small changes in my body and it really motivates me to also eat good too. It's less of a punishment now, that's for sure. (: So I decided I'll find more of these little programs for push-ups and sit-ups. Cause it's better to incorporate different muscles too instead of just the ones used while running. So yay. Hopefully things will go well.

The push-ups are a 6 week program. 3 times a week. Not so bad.
The sit-ups are also a 6 week program(I'm starting at week 3 though cause it told me to x), 3 times a week. This is to get to 200 consecutive.

Hopefully I'll keep up with it.

I wanna be super small bah x) it's always better to be a little too small then too big! That's what I say.

Yesterday went as planned, woo. Today is good too. I weighed 109lb this afternoon. I'm currently like -170cal. woo negative. Ran for an hour, 500ish calories. We're having like a special dinner tonight though for my sisters birthday. I believe I said that yesterday, heh. but yeah atleast I have a good 1500cal to spend without feeling like complete shit. I'll probably do better then that anyways so woo. Okay just a quick entry to say what I ate and stuff. d;

A really good salad is your favorite lettuce with salsa (10cal per 2tbsp) and maybe sour cream. Or you could add a slice of cheese or basically anything you want! it can be as low as 30cal for a decent amount of salad. pretty awesome right? Salsa's also good on baked potatoes instead of all that butter and sour cream. Really a good thing if you have to get one in a restaurant or something.

Stay pretty -Audri

Lets burn!

yesterday wasn't so bad. I felt lighter today. Plus even though last night I was 114 I weighed 111 after my afternoon run today. Which btw was awesome. My little program thing says to run 1min, walk 2 then repeat for a half hour but I didn't run outside so I felt like I was cheating. d; So instead I did that for the first half hour, theeennn the second half hour I did run 1.5 min, walk 1.5min so in total I ran about 25min out of 62min. I burned 500cal and got about 3.5miles in. woo! I think I did alright. A lot better then I usually do. I felt good while doing it too. As of right now I'm negative calories. I know, a yay feeling but I should really eat something. I'll probably have like a 200cal snack and then a small dinner. Tomorrow I want to do about the same thing running wise. I might do more cause it's my sisters birthday and we're gonna have fried foods and Ice cream. gah. My two weaknesses. But that's today so far. It feels a lot better then even when I was counting to 1500cal, cause then I knew how many I could have and then that ice cream or fried thing didn't look so bad, if only I had a little.

Basically eating as little as possible and running as much as I can. I'm really enjoying it now anyways. (: woo

Yuck

So gross. Yesterday I ate sooooo ridiculously much. I went to a grad party and ate like a plate and a half of party food. THEEEENNN I went out to eat with Jose and his parents and I tried a gyro which was either gonna mean that I didn't like it and wasn't gonna eat it but I did like it. I only ate half of it but had a little bit of potato pancakes and a milkshake. I was dying. Literally was bloated a good 3 inches in my stomach. When I got home I cleaned Jose's room for a good 2 hours, better then just sitting or laying watching TV. I guesss. I drank a ton of water to try and clean out my system.

I basically never want to eat again. aha. And I rather be hungry then bloated and full like that ever again. So that's what I'm gonna try and do. I won't count but I might start to soon if I can't keep myself under control. d; lameeee

One good thing, I'm going to the renaissance fair today! lots of walking (: woo. and we don't have a ton of money and I don't want to spend any of mine or Jose's so I won't eat much. mwahaha d;

So stupid to even think I could leave go back to eating normal when I was so successful.

I'm keeping up with my running plan thing! so that's good. today I would have to take a break and walk today so I'll get my walking in at the fair.

Have a good day girls!