Just Stop.

I ate a burger. who knows the calories.
I've been failing my boyfriend to keep him happy this week.
Just couldn't do anything right.
I've been trying.
School is stressing me like crazy.
I don't feel good.
And I can't complain about. Can't show my feelings to him. Cause I know he's 10x worse.
Just gotta pretend.
whatever.

I have some problems.
anxiety and control issues.

and the funny thing is a year ago I wasn't like this at all and now I can't even control myself. I can't calm down, I can't stop worrying, I can't stop thinking.

I hate it.

I can't even talk to him to comfort myself, he was too tired to walk me to the door let alone wake up to my texts...

I don't want to fail. I can't mess up.

I think it all spiraled out of control when Jose told me "well when I found the flaws of my past girlfriends it's what made me break up with them."

I'm afraid I won't be good enough. I just want to be perfect for him. Do everything right. But when I try it makes him angry. I don't know why.

well I guess it's because I'm not being myself. I'm just his little wife ish person.

It doesn't change the fact that I want to make him happy. That's all I want to do.

I fucking can't.

half the time he doesn't want to be with me, he's annoyed by me, I try to help and he just wants me to stop and leave him alone.

The next he wants to be lovey and hold me and talk to me.

I can't read his mind.
I wish I could so I would do the right thing...

"why aren't you being cuddly and cute?"
or silence and ignoring me.

my heart hurts.

I wanna stop crying.

I'm glad no one reads this because it's pitiful.

I don't want to feel like I'm fat anymore.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting worse because I actually thought I looked good last year at this weight.

It's not good enough now.

I don't like being busy.

He was right. I'm a complete stick in the mud and don't like anyone. I try.

I can't make friends.

Such.
A.
Fucking.
Burden.

I need to stop.

I hate myself so much, I hate all of this.

Why can't I be a normal person.

I don't even feel like I can go to homecoming tomorrow.
I can't dance.
I don't know the songs.
I can't sing.
I don't have friends to talk to.
He hates PDA anyways.
I'm not pretty enough to dance with.
I just do everything wrong.
Fucking wasted $15.
He needs that money.
I can't be selfish, I don't work hard like he does.
He's even eating less then me...
probably lost a lot of weight too.
I want that for him.
But why can't I do it too? I wanted to do it with him.
His friend is there to talk..
he's tired. I'm too selfish.
My nose hurts.
I need to sleep.

But I can't, my eyes won't stop and my nose won't stop. I do want to talk. But about what. all my fuck ups?

stopstopstopstopstop.