Time to change.

I go through these.... Freak outs. My head fills with hateful thoughts towards myself. I blame myself for things. I say that I'm not good enough. That I've failed. That I don't deserve love. And other things of this nature.

This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.

I completely understand.

And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.

He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.

The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.

Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.

My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.

"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."

Stay Positive!

Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.

See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.