Basically I got completely shocked by the realization that Jose, my x-bf, went back to his old ways. I don't know why I was shocked. I just never realized it would happen. I thought maybe I changed him for the better, made him see the light. But in reality, and in comparison to others, he's not that far away from the light. I think he's strong enough and he won't end up like my parents or the druggies at school. He has control and balance. I just hope he won't fall.
We weren't really on the same page. I was in "must fix" mode and he had something else in mind. He just wants us to be us. And if we decide we can't live without each other, then so be it. So I should move on. Don't try and fix anything. Don't even try to fix myself. The main thing I want to focus on for me right now is school. Then I want to juggle in a job. And then maybe a social life. That would be nice. I still want to stay close friends with him. Our lives are so connected. As much as I don't want to let go, I guess I have to. Now it's simply and purely breaking up. Just on good terms. It's so hard. And I'm afraid I'm going to end up not liking him. You see, I never really knew him until we started dating, and he changed a bit for me. So that's all I know. I never knew his party side.
I wish things weren't like this, and I'm probably gonna keep on crying for a while. But I guess it's whats best...
The hardest part probably is leaving his embrace. When we talked today we ended up in a hug on the couch. I could never forget that feeling. It's simple perfect. It makes me feel whole. It's probably one of the top 5 things that makes this so hard. I just hate being alone. I really don't want to give him up...
It's so ridiculously hard.
But I guess nobody said life was easy.
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