Random

Okay this has nothing to do with eating or anything really at all it's just a bunch of hullabaloo that came to my mind in the shower. It's very strange and it's a huge peek into my mind. Feel free to read, I'll be writing like I'm addressing someone, but by all means, if you don't have an interest in my crazy mind then move on. x)

My Life: A History
So way back when in the 7th grade I got the idea that I was transgendered. This was sparked by the book Luna by Julie Ann Peters? (forgive me if that's not the Author) At the time I wasn't sure what my sexuality was or why I was feeling the way I was. And being transgendered put everything together. Nice and neat into a pretty little label. So I went on for months engulfing myself in my new being. I was currently involved with a girl. Things felt right, and I was on the path to being happy and truly myself. I fell in love with a queer boy over the internet. I told my parents about how I felt. I went to therapy. I faked that I changed my mind cause I didn't want to deal with their bull. I kept my feelings bottled up. I had a rough 8th grade year. I strapped my boobs down. I even had problems with my body and how it looked then. (though it was because I hated being female not just because I thought I was fat.) I faked who I was on the internet. Well, it felt like I was really being me but that's not how people saw it. I left the Queer boy, because my parents thought it was bring me back to thinking I was trans. I dated a real boy for a few months. But then came along the queer boy again. I left the real boy for him. I told the queer boy that I was really a fucked up girl. Then he told me he was a girl too. But not for the reasons why I called myself a he. And then we became a cute little couple. At the end of the story she fucked my mind up and I'm still paying for it now in my relationship with Jose. I was still me though. I excepted the fact that I was female but I still held my manliness in me. I needed to work on myself and the summer between 9th and 10th grade that's what I did. That's where this all began. I lost weight and hung out with stupid fucking people but I was me and stayed true to myself. I was still jealous of the boys, but now of the girls too. I needed to be tiny to matter what my gender. When I met my new love Jose, I started to change again. I was no longer solely me. I was his partner. His love. I did anything and everything I could to please him. Sadly this backfired. And in the process i lost myself. I'm now emotional, crazy, female, semi-girly and the sheltered shy little girl I was before. I lost all my progress. I am no longer him, (his name was Parker) I no longer have my silent ego, I am not chill and relaxed, I now care what people think about me. I am not my strange weird self. I'm just crazy.

This has now brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I have lost him. How many days I strived. How angry I was. How much power I held within myself. All lost.

The thought that acured to me was - I was only happy when I was him. That's who I truly am and who I want to be. I tried so hard, just like now, except I succeeded. It was right.

Now what does this mean? I mean, nobody said I have to actually change my gender. But can I be that guy in my mind and still be with Jose? Is that the key to making me and him both happy? I'm so extremely confused and scared. There's a lot of me now I don't want to lose. But I know in my mind now that that mind set is what I need. I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to be perfect in school, I don't need to be the picture perfect girl. I just need him.

I wish I wrote in a blog back then. Everything I wrote on my old computers are gone and I have nothing to inspire me.

I feel kind of stupid.
- for wasting this year and reversing all that I've done.
- for trying to go back. (what if I'm wrong and this won't help at all...)

I miss who I was.

I haven't felt right this whole God Damn year.

It's not because of Jose.

It's because me myself and I have gave up. Gave everything to him. In hopes that it would cure me.

Fuck that.

I liked me. He liked me.

I just sure as hell hope he's still somewhere hidden in this skull of mine.