plans

I'm not counting today. I had this great revelation that I need to get my life in order. I feel like I'm wasting sooooo much time. I basically am. I have less then a year before I start college or whatever I'm doing. I just need to like plan. x) So I don't know how much I'm going to blog from now on. Maybe just things like my plans for the day. I'm going to try not to focus on food so much. It's hard and I'm deathly afraid of gaining anything since I'm back down but idk if I can deal with everything plus food. Basically it's a "we'll see how it goes" moment. I know how to be healthy. For example I'm starting today with toast topped with peanut butter and V-8 juice. Later before my run I'll have some fruit and water.

But back to plans. I have so many reasons why I need to be doing this. For one, my sister. She dropped out of college, never left the house, she's 21, she has no plans of leaving or confidence that she ever could. I don't. Want. To end up like her. She's fat. She's lazy. She's a slob. We've been opposites for our whole lives and I want to keep it that way. She's looked down upon me until I started doing better then her and her problems exceeded mine. So I kind of have this war in my mind where I have to be better then her. As the little sister I think it's my duty. d;
For two! My parents. Now I guess they've made a good life for themselves. We have a nice home, animals, we eat good food, but we're also in bankruptcy... So yeah. My dad has a good job even though he never finished high school (never would happen now a days). But even though they have success they also have a lot of down falls. They're marriage is completely on the rocks. I mean if I look back, why wouldn't it be? They basically stayed together cause my mom was prego with my sister. They drink, they smoke, and apparently had some sort of drug problem when they were younger. And when I say drink I mean every night in their home, a bottle of wine for my mum, a pack of beer for my dad. She's being a "good girl" if she doesn't finish the bottle. pfft.
So basically that is why I'm so into trying to control things, maintain positivity, and generally be better then them. I never want to drink or smoke or try any other drug. Cause addiction does run in your genes. Some people are lucky, some aren't, I don't even want to take the chance. (plus I mean all those calories! x)
I'm screwed for college. My parents make too much money and I'm basically average grade wise. so no grants from the gov't. My parents don't have the money so I have to go somewhere like tri-C. Basically the only way I could go to a good college, like actually live on campus and the whole shabang, is to be an independent with two jobs sharing an apartment for a year. Then the gov't would be like, oh okay we should let her go to college cause she's such a hard worker and has it so hard. I think there should be like an application point. Like even if it's high like, you must get a 4.0GPA never have a C on your report card and have all of these classes then you can apply to have grants. Cause, no offense to anyone if this is you, but if a poor black person who gets worse grades then I do and is just pitied upon can go to college for free, why shouldn't I? Just cause my parents wanted a good life for me, once I'm on my own I'm screwed? so stupid.

idk, boring venting blog. If anyone un-subs me then that's fine I won't be offended lol I understand I'm not all that exciting. But I write for myself, not anyone else.

Have a good day.