Just dealing.

I write to write. To get my thoughts out and to organize how I feel. I don't care if it's boring or if anyone reads it or the fact I don't use proper grammar or anything at all! So radda radda, have a good day.

Yesterday all I could think about is getting some yummy food in me. I recognized it as a binging day. I actually don't think I did so bad. When we went to Fridays I had the new dragonfire salmon or whatever it was called. It was pretty tasty. Like real good. Like I'm thinking of going to my boyfriends house to get the leftovers when I'm done writing. Like that good. o_O And I love peanut butter. Which is terrible and fatty. But yet so tasty. Bah.

You see, a year ago I had girl troubles and had mixed feelings for everything and just wanted to better myself. One thing I've always had a problem with? my weight. So, I was gonna fix it. And I lost like 5/10lbs. by not eating a lot and taking in some "tips and tricks" of those pro-ana websites and tried to work out a bit more then I had before. But then I got a boyfriend. He's beautiful and fantastic and probably saved my life. And I went to the doctor, and at 105lbs (5"2' height) I guess there was something to worry about. I was offended by the questions she asked me. I don't have an eating disorder, just a food complex. It's weird. But yes, my boyfriend, who I shall now refer to now as Jose. Name changed for liability reasons? He's not even hispanic. x) I hope I don't offend anyone. Well him and his great loving family likes their food. They go out to eat at least ones a week and gets fast food at least ones a week. So much delicious food. I'm not used to eating like that, gained 15lbs from doctors appointment. I mean it was over about 7 months. But, no little lady wants to hear she's gained weight when she's been the same for like 3 years. d; bah. So I've been in and out of trying to do something! and I'm about 115 now. of course it fluctuates. I don't know, Jose was gone for about 2 weeks from my life cause he was in Costa Rica. He almost died. It was terrible. But I can't keep myself away from Ana blogs. It just corrupts my mind. Half of me wants to just be healthy and exercise and eat right. The other half is like, well you kinda can't because you're lazy and you love food and all the influence from everyone else. bah.

I want to be thin, like I know I'm small. But I have no muscle. People don't understand that I have inches of fat on my stomach and flabby arms and legs. just because I don't weight a ton doesn't mean I don't look disgusting. ugh.

I've done it before so I know that I can lose it, it's just actually restricting :/ and having Jose know about it and be okay with it. Which he won't. I need support. But it's bad! I can't do it! I hate myself sometimes. But what does that matter.

I seriously wonder. Like I'm going to research the effects of an eating disorder and compare it to being obese and things I could be doing like drinking and smoking. (I'm like "straightedge" I guess. I just hate and have no respect for those who choose to ruin their life by drugs. I know, hypocrite right? when I want to, technically, destroy myself by having destructive eating patterns. But at least I'm still me and it's not illegal.) And if whichever has the most risks I will completely forget about and never have it in my life. (I'm obviously hoping for the ED to have less risks.) Cause I hate fat people! which, I mean. My family is fat and I like them I guess. Sorta. And Jose is, well overweight. 200lbs 5"9' or so. :/ But I love my big comfy cuddly baby. And he excepts me for who I am so I never hold it against him. But we both seriously need to get into shape. For, real. That salmon is calling out to me. He's probably not even awake yet, and his friend who slept over stayed up all night again and God knows when he actually went to sleepy. He should be up though if he wants to go to this Costa Rica reunion though. Crazy stuff.

So much to do! So much to say! I'm crazy I know but that's alright.

Have a lovely day. <3 -Audri