I'm not counting today. I'm just feeling sick of it, ya know? I wish, oh how I wish, that I could eat anything I want, as much as I want, without negative side effects. I want to be tiny. Little fragile arms, a gap between my thighs, a flat little tummy, without a care in the world. But I'm flabby and gross. I want to be healthy and I want Jose to join me. I don't want to care so much. I want to believe that I am as small as the numbers say. I don't want to feel so gross. I hate food and what it puts me through. I don't want it to rule me. I hate fat. I hate the fact it's so difficult to not be fat in this world. I hate how McDonald's is so delicious. I hate that nobody knows how to make healthy yummy food except for the vegans in California. I would never want to give up my sight. But if for some reason I was born blind, at least the only jealousy I would have is of being able to see. I wouldn't know who has the coolest hair. I wouldn't care if you were tall, small, acne covered or beautiful. Cause I wouldn't know. Everything is only going to get harder. Idk. I'm hurt either way, if I care, then I'm ruled by my obsession with trying to keep thin. If I don't care then it's always in the back of my mind lurking. I'm never gonna be happy. It would be impossible for me to be fat and happy. It would be impossible for me to be skinny and happy. And I'm unsatisfied when I'm in the middle. I wish I just didn't have to eat and worry about this. But if I don't eat then I'll be unhealthy and keel over and die eventually. I don't want to be scary thin. Just small. I'm gonna go insane.