Day 2

When I went to do sit ups yesterday there was this bone that wouldn't stop hurting at any part of the sit up. Even laying down. So I did like 100 butt ups? if that's what you call them x) either way it was a fail. But I stayed within my calorie limit! which was lower then normal so that kinda makes up for it. d;

I had a terrible dream last night about Jose and me. I'm seriously terrible in relationships. I'm very jealous and I get the sense that he's hiding things from me. Like last night his friend texted him asking him if he was gonna go do something that night (i didn't get to read the word that described what they were doing. go figure, so my mind is going crazy. and also I leave at 12. So he'd be sneaking out and most likely doing something wrong.) So he has work at 9am this morning so he didn't go cause he wanted to sleep. So half of me is like, okay, forget about it, he said no so he's obviously doing the right thing, hopefully with my wishes in mind. But then I had that dream. I know it's just a dream. But it shows how scared I am. I'm untrusting. But I was in a way fucked up relationship before this one and I just can't help it.


Things I'm scared about
- Jose leaving me
- Me not being good enough for him
- Him finding a flaw in my personality that he doesn't like
- Not being pretty enough for him
- Him cheating on me
- Him doing things I don't want him to be doing
- Him hiding and lying about things
- Him leaving me because I put a few restrictions on him

And the list goes on. I mean. He hasn't really done that much to prove to me that I shouldn't trust him. But whenever I think that, I always have to add, that I know of. To the end of it. I just have so much doubt.

My past relationship, I was with a girl named Moe. She lied to me over and over. We were in a long distance relationship so I let her date someone. She didn't even like him a lot so I didn't think it was a big deal. Later after she left him she cheated on me with another girl. I found out months into the relationship, years after knowing her, that she smoked weed, drank, and wanted to do harder stuff. I hate all of that. I told her this and she kept doing it. It's way easier to do something behind someones back when your 1,000 miles away but still. I eventually found out and I put myself through 3 months of pain trying to keep the relationship alive. Cause I thought I loved her. And those are the only things that I know of. I trusted her so much. I loved her so much. And to be honest it still makes me cry a little. Cause I was just that hurt. I hate her so much for doing this to me. I never was really one to blame other people for how I am, but in this situation it's really not my fault. The only way it's my fault is that I didn't leave the first moment I was hurt by her. But there would still be the doubt.

I can't be myself anymore. That scares me so much. I don't know how Jose changed me or if it's for better or worse but he has. And I hate it. Maybe it was me. Well it was both of us. I've been changing to try and fit him. But I'm making everything so much worse. Cause all my bad characteristics have stayed. One thing I'm horrified by? He met a girl on his Costa Rica trip. He said she's a lot like me. Well a lot like I used to be. The person he loved. And they talk all the time. She's 20min away. And I'm with Jose as much as possible. But in what way am I better then her? I'm not. She's cute, she's funny, she's like how I used to be. I'm not saying he's doing anything he's not suppose to. Cause I don't think he is. But to be honest, if I was him I'd dump my ass. I'm such a fucked up mess. And I make his life hell.

To top it all off I feel like I can't talk to him about it. For one cause I'm probably making up all my own problems cause he probably hasn't done anything wrong. For two it'll just cause an argument and I don't want to fight. I don't want to make him mad. Like he's on his last straw. I'm pushing him away when I don't want to. My mind is yelling and screaming at me to stop. I just can't get anything right. I can't stop feeling like this. But if I don't I'm going to push him over the edge and he'll leave. I need to just stop. But I don't know how. I've turned into a monster.

I've boxed myself in so much that I have no one. I've been trying to get in contact with some of my old friends but they're not the same. I'm not either but. How am I suppose to get new friends? I feel like I can't fit in with anyone anymore. Everyone either get's drunk, Get's high, or Does illegal things. I'm so sorry I'm the safe one. I'm so sorry I don't want to fuck up my future. Or I don't want to end up like my alcoholic parents. I'm tainted with the image of a one "emo" kid. I was the wierdo. And I guess I still am. But I'm pretty sure nobody can think of me in any other way. So all the okay normal people won't except me. And if they did how would I be friends with them? Oh just facebook comment on them "Hi, you seem like a cool person, wanna chat?" what kind of creep am I. Everybody has their cliques. And I left mine. Any of you, don't do it. Wait it out until the end of high school. Unless you already have other friends and a good plan to go with. Cause it sucks. I can't talk to anyone. I can't hang out or have fun. I'm boring too. I'm incapable of having "fun" as a teenager. Nobody is satisfied with just a movie anymore, or just hanging at the mall. There has to be a party with the three things listed above. I don't want to be stupid. But apparently all teenagers are and hate everyone that isn't. And I feel like the one left out and in pain and friendless. You know what gets me the most? Jose would be just another one of those stupid kids if I wasn't here. He wants that life. He has no problem with it. And I'm keeping him from it. Maybe it's better for him in the long run. But it's his life to live. Just one day he'll get sick of it. Then I'll get mad. We'll fight. And end it. I can't keep people from making stupid decisions. Especially when they don't think it's stupid. I don't have that power.

I'm scared of what could happen to me. I know the moment he leaves I'll go into like a depression. Ana will take over me. I don't want to not be healthy... now. But who says that won't change when I don't have someone to live for. I'll have no one. I'll be like my fat ass sister with no friends, still living at home at 21. I don't want to be that.

This isn't a health video. If I "say no" there isn't a group of friends and a better life waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. I hate society. Remember Moe from a few paragraphs before. Well ya wanna know the reason behind doing all those things? To be cool. To have friends. To stop being the loser weird one in the corner. That's what she's become, and this is what I've become. Technically we're both screwed. I was suppose to get rewarded though. Cause I'm the good person.

I still believe that all that stuff isn't worth it. I just hate how life is. They are things that can kill you, cripple you, make your life shit, and put your ass in prison. But as of now, they do make me seem like the dumb ass. I hate it.

I hate fucking everything.

This wasn't how I wanted this blog to be, I just really needed to vent. I know I sound repetitive and like a cry baby but whatever. I'll show Jose this and hopefully we can talk. I don't even care if it's about this. I just need someone there. Someone to tell me I'm not crazy and stupid. To tell me I'm not wrong. Cause I hate feeling that I am.

I plan to not eat till Jose gets here. I wanna just stay in my bed all day. I'll probably binge on something later. Cause I can't even control what I put into my mouth.

Such a fail.