meh, whatever

Slice of Cheese - 80cal
Green Tea - 180cal
Granola Bar - 100cal
V-8 - 30cal
Salad - 100cal
Salmon - 260cal
Broccoli - 100cal
Baked Beans - 140cal

Total - 1010cal about

I need some supper inspiration! I forgot how difficult this can be. And I need, need, NEED. to include exercise. I get so confused and messed up sometimes.

let me explain something. I've never been diagnosed with an ED. And I don't think I would be considered to have one by a doctor. Cause deep down, it's not about the numbers on the scale to me. Like yeah it'd be cool to be 100lbs or less, just kinda to say I'm a very light person. But what I truly really want is to just look pretty in my own eyes. One thing I hate about myself is the deposits of fat hanging off of my body. It's gross. I've always had a problem with them. I know the right way to get fit, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I want to be healthy. I really do. I want a high metabolism and to be able to enjoy the foods I love without feeling like crap every time I eat. But even if I were to have the calorie range that I need to maintain my weight, I'd only be eating 1500cal. Which, I mean I could do. But I'd still be worrying and counting. I just. I don't know how to do it any other way. I need to exercise. That will boost my metabolism and I'll be able to eat more. I don't like feeling hungry, yet I don't like feeling over full. Bah. I just hate food so much. I don't like the fact that most people will call me skinny but they don't know. They don't see what I do. And it's just cause I hide it well. Even Jose at times, I can tell he's like, oh no you look fine, just to make me feel better. It's so hard. I don't know how you guys do it. I feel like I can't exercise cause everyone else thinks of me as skinny just cause I'm not like 100lbs over weight and so if they see me exercise then they're worried about me. Like I'm just trying to be healthy. And everyone makes me feel terrible for even trying. I hate people and social rules.

And now I just feel crazy. Like maybe I am skinny. Maybe I shouldn't even be trying to lose weight at all. Maybe I do look like a fit person. But I don't to myself so it needs to be fixed. Cause it's not what everyone else thinks, it's about what I think.

I have such an odd body shape. I'm short. I don't have big boobs or a big butt. You can see my ribs yet my stomach bellows out into a balloon, almost pregnant like. My boyfriend says my legs are perfect but I know they're not in shape by the stretch marks from my up and down weight. My upper arms are flabby but you can feel the bones around my wrist. My face doesn't look fat but my neck flab can make me look like I have a double chin.

Like what the hell, I'm two-face.