plans

I'm not counting today. I had this great revelation that I need to get my life in order. I feel like I'm wasting sooooo much time. I basically am. I have less then a year before I start college or whatever I'm doing. I just need to like plan. x) So I don't know how much I'm going to blog from now on. Maybe just things like my plans for the day. I'm going to try not to focus on food so much. It's hard and I'm deathly afraid of gaining anything since I'm back down but idk if I can deal with everything plus food. Basically it's a "we'll see how it goes" moment. I know how to be healthy. For example I'm starting today with toast topped with peanut butter and V-8 juice. Later before my run I'll have some fruit and water.

But back to plans. I have so many reasons why I need to be doing this. For one, my sister. She dropped out of college, never left the house, she's 21, she has no plans of leaving or confidence that she ever could. I don't. Want. To end up like her. She's fat. She's lazy. She's a slob. We've been opposites for our whole lives and I want to keep it that way. She's looked down upon me until I started doing better then her and her problems exceeded mine. So I kind of have this war in my mind where I have to be better then her. As the little sister I think it's my duty. d;
For two! My parents. Now I guess they've made a good life for themselves. We have a nice home, animals, we eat good food, but we're also in bankruptcy... So yeah. My dad has a good job even though he never finished high school (never would happen now a days). But even though they have success they also have a lot of down falls. They're marriage is completely on the rocks. I mean if I look back, why wouldn't it be? They basically stayed together cause my mom was prego with my sister. They drink, they smoke, and apparently had some sort of drug problem when they were younger. And when I say drink I mean every night in their home, a bottle of wine for my mum, a pack of beer for my dad. She's being a "good girl" if she doesn't finish the bottle. pfft.
So basically that is why I'm so into trying to control things, maintain positivity, and generally be better then them. I never want to drink or smoke or try any other drug. Cause addiction does run in your genes. Some people are lucky, some aren't, I don't even want to take the chance. (plus I mean all those calories! x)
I'm screwed for college. My parents make too much money and I'm basically average grade wise. so no grants from the gov't. My parents don't have the money so I have to go somewhere like tri-C. Basically the only way I could go to a good college, like actually live on campus and the whole shabang, is to be an independent with two jobs sharing an apartment for a year. Then the gov't would be like, oh okay we should let her go to college cause she's such a hard worker and has it so hard. I think there should be like an application point. Like even if it's high like, you must get a 4.0GPA never have a C on your report card and have all of these classes then you can apply to have grants. Cause, no offense to anyone if this is you, but if a poor black person who gets worse grades then I do and is just pitied upon can go to college for free, why shouldn't I? Just cause my parents wanted a good life for me, once I'm on my own I'm screwed? so stupid.

idk, boring venting blog. If anyone un-subs me then that's fine I won't be offended lol I understand I'm not all that exciting. But I write for myself, not anyone else.

Have a good day.

Running

So I found this 8week like "program" sort of thing to train your body up to running 2+ miles straight in 30min. So yeah (: probably gonna start today. Gonna tell Jose about it and ask him to drill me about it everyday so I stick to it. If I stick with it everyday like I'm suppose to then it should take me till September 23. So yeah, wish me luck with that!

Input~
Hot Fries- 86cal
Clementine- 60cal
Broccoli Salad-300cal
Cheetos- 150cal
Pizza- 340cal
Ice Cream- 180cal
Robeks- 402cal
water- 0cal

Total - 1600ishcal

Output~
Jog 25min- 100cal

Wasser

I've been really thirsty lately so water is the only drink I've been craving, woo. I like water d; This girl on facebook was like woo I just ran 9miles in 89min or something like that and I'm like. whoa. I wanna be a runner. I'm just at the point where it sucks cause I get tired really fast cause I have absolutely no endurance. But maybe that will be my goal for this year. I really just want to take the time to really work on myself and school before I get a job. I'm thinking of getting one in between January and May of next year. And I still have to figure out what I'll major in college... v.v I want to minor or just take classes to teach me Japanese.

I should really start getting ready for school.

I ate a lot a lot today.

So Lazy

So I'm a lazy person and don't exercise. yup. Basically this is why I like to restrict calories. Cause even if I don't exercise I'm still gonna lose weight. Buuuut, I don't need to lose weight. Just Get a really tone beautiful body with a flat tummy. But I'm lazy. So it never ends. I really want like a workout buddy. And I can't be mad at Jose cause he has a lot on his plate. Like if I can't workout now how would I even be able to when I have a job that consists of standing for 4-8 hours at a time. d: So I can't push him too much. He wants to lose weight but he's also like, I got 5 years till I'm going to apply to be a policeman sooo why suffer now. I see his point but still. And I'm secretly worried that he'll get a huge ego and realize what a sexy stud he is and leave me for some hot girl. xD But I still want him to be happy so I try not to think about it. Yeah idk just rambling on.

Input~
String Cheese - 60cal
Ramen Noodles - 370cal
Subway - 350cal

Broccoli Salad - 450cal

Fried Potatoes - 350cal

Total - about 1600cal

Actually maybe more... o.o shh! whatever though. I don't want to care right now. I'm starting to be more who I used to be. Jose and I are doing great too. I just wanna make the rest of the summer perfect and happy. <3

This doesn't seem like a diet. x)

I'm adding another rule. x) It's pretty general, don't bloat yourself! If I'm no longer hungry then stop eating. Basically a "Duh" but something I tend to forget for like dinner. d:

I'm also thinking that I will give myself a range for breakfast and lunch so I don't have to limit myself so much for dinner and I might end up eating less too, which is never bad. I was thinking 600/700cal before dinner so I have a good 1000cal to spend. I wouldn't even eat that much unless we're going out to eat so it'll work good.

Foods!
Corn and Peas - 100cal

Chips - 50cal

Orange - 60cal
Fish Sticks - 250cal

Ice Cream - 220cal
Boca Burger - 300cal
French Fries - 250cal

Salad - 150cal

Total - somewhere around 1400cal

Btw I saw Inception. It was a crazy ass movie but it was good (: cool stuff.

~_^

(:
Today is the day we're going to Cedar Point. Woo! I hope I have lots of fun. I hope you girls have a good weekend as well.

Food - lots. and lots. and lots. (but I'm allowing it. cause I wanna have a good time and all the food I've been craving for the past like 2 weeks will be eaten so I can't crave them again for another 2 weeks or something. x)

New Plan - will be posted on Monday.

-Audri

New plan (:

So from now until school starts I want to try and maintain my weight. I looked up some things and have made a few guide lines to live by. I'm starting my exercise routine kind of small. But I need to get in the habit of at least doing something. If I get too ambitious I'll end up being discouraged. I'll slowly add more to fit my body's needs.

Plan Rules:
- 1600cal
-4-8 glasses of water a day
- 30min jog on the weekdays
- exercise add-on: 30min workout video, more running less walking/jogging +for longer time, yoga

I know. It's a lot more calories. If I start to gain then I'll change some things around. But I really want to make it a habit to be healthy. I don't want to get caught in the downward spiral of never feeling happy with my body. And I think becoming more tone and fit will help that a lot. We'll see how everything goes. (:

wish my luck girls, much love.

-Audri

Day 6

Yes! it's day six. Tomorrow is what we've all been waiting for! And ya know what? I'm feeling pretty good today. I woke up, looked in the mirror (especially at my tummy) not expecting much. But! I see a difference. Even though yesterday was pretty chaotic food wise it all worked out for the better. I plan to run and do sit ups today and eat about 500cal. I sure as hell better look good tomorrow! (x

So I was hanging out with my friend Kat yesterday. It was actually really fun and it was nice to just talk to someone about life and relationships with someone who has just as many problems as you do, yet still understands and listens. It was nice. The only food add on I had was a bag of Doritos. The 150cal bag. x) Not so bad to be honest. Still way below 1500 which is apparently what my body burns up in a day. So good deal.

Food and Stuff!
Yogurt - 100cal (9am)
cheesy egg - 165cal (10am)
Work out (12-1)
Boca Burger - 125cal (1:30/2pm)
Carrots - 35cal (4pm)
1/4 of a bagel - 75cal (5pm)

I'm going to say I don't feel good so I can't eat dinner. That's if I'm at Jose's house. If I'm at my own for some reason then I'll say I ate a lot at Jose's. If for some reason I just MUST eat I'll deny anything above 200cal. Probably a little soup or something like that.

It'll all be worth it! Then tomorrow I will eat anything I want, I know why blow it? But it's a celebration. And I'll try to not actually eat that much. Just won't be thinking of calories. I'll have a filling yet small breakfast. Probably like Panda Express for lunch and hopefully not the buffet for dinner ;c if I'm ever feeling too bad I can say that something I had earlier is giving me a tummy ache.

My next plans are to stay around 110lbs. I don't want to scare anyone and I'm happy right now. Plus Jose doesn't like super skinny girls. I know. guys. so weird with their curve loving ways. I'm gonna hope to include a lot of exercise and to revitalize my metabolism. Plus I could be more open with people about it cause I'll just be healthy. (: let's see how it goes.

I write too much x) Love ya girls! stay strong

-Audri

Day 5

It's Thursday. My God.
I hate how I comment on yesterdays plans, I need to fix how I write these. x)

So yesterday I did good for most of the day, replaced my lunch with only a Boca burger (100cal) But for dinner I blew it. We went to Fridays. I love Fridays, in fact I picked up an App there. But yes. My meal was 300 something calories. But Jose's mom kept commenting on how it didn't sound like a lot of food and when the plate came out it looked that way too. It filled me up. But they ordered all these appetizers. Mozzarella sticks, tortilla triangles with re-fried beans and cheese. Lots of cheese. So I had to eat some or they would be nagging me through the whole meal. v.v It makes me feel bad thinking back on it. I'm upset with myself for not only eating my main meal but I'm upset at his mom and society for the en-grained thought that people need sooooooo much food. I could have said that I wasn't feeling too good. But. I didn't think of it and the appetizers looked so good. blah. not cool. I worked out and burned at least 300cal. still didn't make up for it.

I weighed myself that morning and I was 110.5lbs. Hopefully yesterday didn't screw that up.

Today's plan:
9am-12pm - V-8 and fruit cup (110cal)
1pm-4pm - Half a bagel (125cal)
5pm-7pm - Banana, nectarine, Boca Burger and salad (540cal)

Total: 775cal

I want to exercise for an hour. I'll try to get 500cal of exercise. Plus sit ups but my ribs are really sore from whatever I did yesterday so we'll see about that.

You guys are great, really. You keep me inspired. (: stay strong skinny minis!

-Audri

EDIT

My plans all changed when my friend texted me wanting to hang out today. I'm nervous and anxious cause I haven't seen her in a year and I hate being so awkward around people. So after I had V-8 and and a banana and went to Jose's house (without exercising) I then ate a half a bagel, a tortilla thing from last night and a chocolate ice cream popsicle. Soooo my new plan, since that's like 800 something calories is to not eat for the rest of the day. I won't eat with my friend cause "my mom is expecting me home for dinner" and I won't eat at home cause "I ate out with my friend" mwahaha. bah. I swear I'm gonna be so angry with myself if I eat anything v.v

Day 4

Hello all. I'm eating a big breakfast right now. Well, larger then usual but small to America. Okie doke, yesterday went okay. I didn't exercise though. I know, it's a shame. I couldn't get the workout video though cause my sister wouldn't leave that room and I was annoyed with my mom and I just wanted to relax a little when I was at Jose's house. I can probably do it today though. I think my sister isn't here.. idk o.O either way, it's the last 3 days and I have to work supper hard! I weighed myself yesterday in the afternoon after I ate something and drank a whole water bottle and I was down a lb! So yay. I can at least reach that goal! My stomach has been hurting me so if there is too much food to eat any night for dinner then I'll blame not eating a lot on that. His house is temping me so much. Ice cream bars, gallons of ice cream, little containers of it in like 5 different flavors. Frozen fried fish. French fries. The list goes on. But I can do this. Just 3 more days.

The sad thing is I'm gonna blow it all on Saturday and end up looking chubby anyways. d; Damn you Panda Express.

What to eat!
Breakfast - (9:30) Cheesy egg and toast with V-8: 330cal (470 left)
Lunch - (1:00 - 4:00) Granola Bar and Fruit Cup: 180cal (290 left)
Dinner - (6:00 - 7:30) Subway or 290 calories of food (0 left)

And that's how it should be. Largest meal for breakfast. I usually like to snack so lets see how this goes. It's 800cal total. Plus I really want to exercise. My back feels better now so I need to kick the sit ups in over drive.

Stay Skinny <3 -Audri

Day 3

Today is a better day. Sorry, I hate when I'm like how I was yesterday. I didn't talk to Jose about it. It's not a big deal though. Like, it's just a bunch of crap I fill in my head. Jose loves me. I should never doubt that ever. If he wants to be with another girl or do other things then he knows the right thing to do is to leave. And although I may be effected negatively by it, maybe one day it would be for the better. If it were to happen at all. I'm trying to get better. Trying to find myself more. We'll see how it goes.

Yesterday I ate - a bowl of cereal, a Cup of Ice cream, A grilled cheese, A half of a potato but it had cheesy crap on top, a salad and a piece of bread. I think that's it. But I went over in calories I know that much. But I did walk for an hour outside, a whole 3.5miles xD half way across town. lol So that probably burned like 3-400 calories. i think. But still that's not too good.

I'm getting my hair cut! ahh. I don't know how to get it still. I have something in mind but I've never really done it before so I'm not sure how it will look. And I'm probably going alone ;c lol. Cause Jose won't even be up yet! I plan on doing the work out video and running. Just like in my plans. I'm feeling lighter. Like my tummy is getting kinda flatter, like less bloated. I haven't weighed myself but I probably haven't lost anything or not that much yet.

Food I can eat:
Yogurt - 100cal
Fruit - 100cal
V-8 - 30cal
Cheese slice - 80cal
Salad - 100cal

Total - 410cal

Dinner - at the max, 500cal
I will either....
try and eat this frozen meal thing with Jose (300cal)
Subway if we get fast food (300cal)
out to eat at Applebee's (under 550cal meals, plus I won't eat it all so it'll be even less!)

mwahaha I plan for everything! x) today will work out great.

Day 2

When I went to do sit ups yesterday there was this bone that wouldn't stop hurting at any part of the sit up. Even laying down. So I did like 100 butt ups? if that's what you call them x) either way it was a fail. But I stayed within my calorie limit! which was lower then normal so that kinda makes up for it. d;

I had a terrible dream last night about Jose and me. I'm seriously terrible in relationships. I'm very jealous and I get the sense that he's hiding things from me. Like last night his friend texted him asking him if he was gonna go do something that night (i didn't get to read the word that described what they were doing. go figure, so my mind is going crazy. and also I leave at 12. So he'd be sneaking out and most likely doing something wrong.) So he has work at 9am this morning so he didn't go cause he wanted to sleep. So half of me is like, okay, forget about it, he said no so he's obviously doing the right thing, hopefully with my wishes in mind. But then I had that dream. I know it's just a dream. But it shows how scared I am. I'm untrusting. But I was in a way fucked up relationship before this one and I just can't help it.


Things I'm scared about
- Jose leaving me
- Me not being good enough for him
- Him finding a flaw in my personality that he doesn't like
- Not being pretty enough for him
- Him cheating on me
- Him doing things I don't want him to be doing
- Him hiding and lying about things
- Him leaving me because I put a few restrictions on him

And the list goes on. I mean. He hasn't really done that much to prove to me that I shouldn't trust him. But whenever I think that, I always have to add, that I know of. To the end of it. I just have so much doubt.

My past relationship, I was with a girl named Moe. She lied to me over and over. We were in a long distance relationship so I let her date someone. She didn't even like him a lot so I didn't think it was a big deal. Later after she left him she cheated on me with another girl. I found out months into the relationship, years after knowing her, that she smoked weed, drank, and wanted to do harder stuff. I hate all of that. I told her this and she kept doing it. It's way easier to do something behind someones back when your 1,000 miles away but still. I eventually found out and I put myself through 3 months of pain trying to keep the relationship alive. Cause I thought I loved her. And those are the only things that I know of. I trusted her so much. I loved her so much. And to be honest it still makes me cry a little. Cause I was just that hurt. I hate her so much for doing this to me. I never was really one to blame other people for how I am, but in this situation it's really not my fault. The only way it's my fault is that I didn't leave the first moment I was hurt by her. But there would still be the doubt.

I can't be myself anymore. That scares me so much. I don't know how Jose changed me or if it's for better or worse but he has. And I hate it. Maybe it was me. Well it was both of us. I've been changing to try and fit him. But I'm making everything so much worse. Cause all my bad characteristics have stayed. One thing I'm horrified by? He met a girl on his Costa Rica trip. He said she's a lot like me. Well a lot like I used to be. The person he loved. And they talk all the time. She's 20min away. And I'm with Jose as much as possible. But in what way am I better then her? I'm not. She's cute, she's funny, she's like how I used to be. I'm not saying he's doing anything he's not suppose to. Cause I don't think he is. But to be honest, if I was him I'd dump my ass. I'm such a fucked up mess. And I make his life hell.

To top it all off I feel like I can't talk to him about it. For one cause I'm probably making up all my own problems cause he probably hasn't done anything wrong. For two it'll just cause an argument and I don't want to fight. I don't want to make him mad. Like he's on his last straw. I'm pushing him away when I don't want to. My mind is yelling and screaming at me to stop. I just can't get anything right. I can't stop feeling like this. But if I don't I'm going to push him over the edge and he'll leave. I need to just stop. But I don't know how. I've turned into a monster.

I've boxed myself in so much that I have no one. I've been trying to get in contact with some of my old friends but they're not the same. I'm not either but. How am I suppose to get new friends? I feel like I can't fit in with anyone anymore. Everyone either get's drunk, Get's high, or Does illegal things. I'm so sorry I'm the safe one. I'm so sorry I don't want to fuck up my future. Or I don't want to end up like my alcoholic parents. I'm tainted with the image of a one "emo" kid. I was the wierdo. And I guess I still am. But I'm pretty sure nobody can think of me in any other way. So all the okay normal people won't except me. And if they did how would I be friends with them? Oh just facebook comment on them "Hi, you seem like a cool person, wanna chat?" what kind of creep am I. Everybody has their cliques. And I left mine. Any of you, don't do it. Wait it out until the end of high school. Unless you already have other friends and a good plan to go with. Cause it sucks. I can't talk to anyone. I can't hang out or have fun. I'm boring too. I'm incapable of having "fun" as a teenager. Nobody is satisfied with just a movie anymore, or just hanging at the mall. There has to be a party with the three things listed above. I don't want to be stupid. But apparently all teenagers are and hate everyone that isn't. And I feel like the one left out and in pain and friendless. You know what gets me the most? Jose would be just another one of those stupid kids if I wasn't here. He wants that life. He has no problem with it. And I'm keeping him from it. Maybe it's better for him in the long run. But it's his life to live. Just one day he'll get sick of it. Then I'll get mad. We'll fight. And end it. I can't keep people from making stupid decisions. Especially when they don't think it's stupid. I don't have that power.

I'm scared of what could happen to me. I know the moment he leaves I'll go into like a depression. Ana will take over me. I don't want to not be healthy... now. But who says that won't change when I don't have someone to live for. I'll have no one. I'll be like my fat ass sister with no friends, still living at home at 21. I don't want to be that.

This isn't a health video. If I "say no" there isn't a group of friends and a better life waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. I hate society. Remember Moe from a few paragraphs before. Well ya wanna know the reason behind doing all those things? To be cool. To have friends. To stop being the loser weird one in the corner. That's what she's become, and this is what I've become. Technically we're both screwed. I was suppose to get rewarded though. Cause I'm the good person.

I still believe that all that stuff isn't worth it. I just hate how life is. They are things that can kill you, cripple you, make your life shit, and put your ass in prison. But as of now, they do make me seem like the dumb ass. I hate it.

I hate fucking everything.

This wasn't how I wanted this blog to be, I just really needed to vent. I know I sound repetitive and like a cry baby but whatever. I'll show Jose this and hopefully we can talk. I don't even care if it's about this. I just need someone there. Someone to tell me I'm not crazy and stupid. To tell me I'm not wrong. Cause I hate feeling that I am.

I plan to not eat till Jose gets here. I wanna just stay in my bed all day. I'll probably binge on something later. Cause I can't even control what I put into my mouth.

Such a fail.

Day 1

I gotta get pumped and energized! xD woo!

Allowed food:
Cheesy Egggs - 180cal
Toast - 120cal
V-8 - 30cal
Yogurt - 100cal
Fruit Salad - 100-200cal
Carrots - 25cal
Honey nut Cherrios - 150cal
Clementine - 60cal

Total - 865cal

I possible won't eat this much. I tried to get a lot in there so worse case scenario I'll have all of it, but we'll see! I'm starting my sit ups today. Well I did 200 yesterday but hey xD

everyone have a good day and good luck with your own goals!

much love -Audri

Plan

Again, new plan! what? I know. It's crazy. But I have a goal now! I want to look semi-okay for when I go to Cedar Point next Saturday. So yeah I need this or I'm going to feel like crap about myself then.

The Plan:
- 500 - 1000cal a day, as low as I can basically but I'm not fasting cause with my life it's basically impossible and I don't want to gain it all back or have a possibility of failing.
- 500 sit-ups a day. I was inspired by Whisps of Gypsy. And I need need need need NEED! to have a flat tummy.
- Jilian Michaels work out video. Half hour sets, if I'm ambitious I'll do two a day. For Monday - Friday. At the hardest possible mode. Yeah!
- Treadmill for at least 30min. I want to be realistic here. I want to do at least an hour but by tuesday I'll probably be sore as hell. So we'll see.
- aim for losing 2lb. Again, realistic. Plus I'll be 110 again (:!
- Rules: Stay vegetarian (fish is allowed) and as many fruits and veggies as I can instead of breads and stuff. No eating past 7 (or 3 hours before I sleep) No or very little calories from drinks. Lots of water! And get plenty of sleep.

I can do this! I have to. I just needed a goal (: you'll see.

I'll start counting tomorrow, I think I'm okay for today but yeah. d;

I'm not counting today. I'm just feeling sick of it, ya know? I wish, oh how I wish, that I could eat anything I want, as much as I want, without negative side effects. I want to be tiny. Little fragile arms, a gap between my thighs, a flat little tummy, without a care in the world. But I'm flabby and gross. I want to be healthy and I want Jose to join me. I don't want to care so much. I want to believe that I am as small as the numbers say. I don't want to feel so gross. I hate food and what it puts me through. I don't want it to rule me. I hate fat. I hate the fact it's so difficult to not be fat in this world. I hate how McDonald's is so delicious. I hate that nobody knows how to make healthy yummy food except for the vegans in California. I would never want to give up my sight. But if for some reason I was born blind, at least the only jealousy I would have is of being able to see. I wouldn't know who has the coolest hair. I wouldn't care if you were tall, small, acne covered or beautiful. Cause I wouldn't know. Everything is only going to get harder. Idk. I'm hurt either way, if I care, then I'm ruled by my obsession with trying to keep thin. If I don't care then it's always in the back of my mind lurking. I'm never gonna be happy. It would be impossible for me to be fat and happy. It would be impossible for me to be skinny and happy. And I'm unsatisfied when I'm in the middle. I wish I just didn't have to eat and worry about this. But if I don't eat then I'll be unhealthy and keel over and die eventually. I don't want to be scary thin. Just small. I'm gonna go insane.

Today I want a lower calorie total then usual cause yesterday I probably had more then I figured. I didn't look it up cause I didn't wanna know. x) Hopefully I can, if my mom makes dinner who knows though. :/ blah

Yogurt - 100cal
V-8 - 30cal
scrambled egg and cheese - 180cal
toast - 120cal
Hamburger bun - 150cal
salmon burger - 200cal

Total - about 800cal

EDIT
yes I did make my calorie limit (: even with my mom making dinner and me having yummy filling meals! woo. I see it getting easier to restrict now that my stomach isn't as used to huge meals everyday. Good luck to everyone!

-Audri

Another New Day (:

I have a follower (x yay.

I feel re-energized today. Yesterday, like i said, i worked out. One 30min workout video and almost an hour of jogging. My abs hurt! aha, I actually love the feeling. It wants me to go back to doing sit ups everyday. So I plan on using the treadmill today for just about as long as I can stand it (x plus a little more. Tonight me and Jose are going to the drive-in. We're gonna see Despicable Me and Toy Story 3. We're such little kids x) but to be honest, kids movies can be way better then any half hazard thrown together action or horror movie any day.

Okay new plan! I write down the foods I can have up until dinner then just edit dinner and exercise. Instead of like, oh idk what to eat, wondering around the house, then craving something I can't have. Now I'll know right away!

Yogurt - 100cal
v-8 - 30cal
granola bar - 100cal
dinner - 1,000? (Viengs Asian Bistro) it was yummy. But fried egg roll and seafood soup with nibbling on Joses rice and general t'so sauce. so who knows.

exercise - 230cal

Total - 1000cal

Reply to comment:
Lyndee - Thanks! I really like your blog too, all the people I follow really inspire me to keep going and stay strong. My doctor didn't say anything, yay! And good luck with your fast (:

-Audri

Juicy Juice

I didn't count yesterday so I'm working out for like 3 hours today and will be drinking most of my calories today, hopefully.

Stupid question that will probably never get answered cause nobody reads this: Does my metabolism still get that little boost it does from breakfast even if the calories are from a liquid. o_O Like I know calories are calories I guess but there's nothing to it. I'm thinking it does cause I do get more hungry by lunch time with juice then with just water. idk. bah.

Green Tea - 180cal
White grape and Peach Juice - 240
Dinner - 7/800cal
exercise - 500cal

total - about 700cal

Like a feather

I feel pretty light, I can't weigh myself today cause the only scale we have is in my parents bathroom. Lame. So tomorrow I'll update on a weight. Last time looked I was 113lbs in the afternoon. Hopefully I'm lower then that. My stomach has gone down too, like it still has fat but it's not as bloated looking as it always is. So there's progress. Let's hope it continues, despite some of my few slip ups.

Yogurt - 100cal
Toast with butter - 110cal
Broccoli - 160cal
Scallops - 100cal
Candied Carrots - 250cal
Scalloped Potatoes - 350cal

Total - 1070+cal

EDIT
I forgot I had a doctors appointment and I'm afraid she'll question me because of my weight so I had larger servings of dinner then I planned and got a McFlurry. I'm pretty sure I'm under 1,500, I forget how much a small mcflurry is, I was thinking 300-400cal range, idk. But yeah, let's hope I just maintained.

-Audri

meh, whatever

Slice of Cheese - 80cal
Green Tea - 180cal
Granola Bar - 100cal
V-8 - 30cal
Salad - 100cal
Salmon - 260cal
Broccoli - 100cal
Baked Beans - 140cal

Total - 1010cal about

I need some supper inspiration! I forgot how difficult this can be. And I need, need, NEED. to include exercise. I get so confused and messed up sometimes.

let me explain something. I've never been diagnosed with an ED. And I don't think I would be considered to have one by a doctor. Cause deep down, it's not about the numbers on the scale to me. Like yeah it'd be cool to be 100lbs or less, just kinda to say I'm a very light person. But what I truly really want is to just look pretty in my own eyes. One thing I hate about myself is the deposits of fat hanging off of my body. It's gross. I've always had a problem with them. I know the right way to get fit, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I want to be healthy. I really do. I want a high metabolism and to be able to enjoy the foods I love without feeling like crap every time I eat. But even if I were to have the calorie range that I need to maintain my weight, I'd only be eating 1500cal. Which, I mean I could do. But I'd still be worrying and counting. I just. I don't know how to do it any other way. I need to exercise. That will boost my metabolism and I'll be able to eat more. I don't like feeling hungry, yet I don't like feeling over full. Bah. I just hate food so much. I don't like the fact that most people will call me skinny but they don't know. They don't see what I do. And it's just cause I hide it well. Even Jose at times, I can tell he's like, oh no you look fine, just to make me feel better. It's so hard. I don't know how you guys do it. I feel like I can't exercise cause everyone else thinks of me as skinny just cause I'm not like 100lbs over weight and so if they see me exercise then they're worried about me. Like I'm just trying to be healthy. And everyone makes me feel terrible for even trying. I hate people and social rules.

And now I just feel crazy. Like maybe I am skinny. Maybe I shouldn't even be trying to lose weight at all. Maybe I do look like a fit person. But I don't to myself so it needs to be fixed. Cause it's not what everyone else thinks, it's about what I think.

I have such an odd body shape. I'm short. I don't have big boobs or a big butt. You can see my ribs yet my stomach bellows out into a balloon, almost pregnant like. My boyfriend says my legs are perfect but I know they're not in shape by the stretch marks from my up and down weight. My upper arms are flabby but you can feel the bones around my wrist. My face doesn't look fat but my neck flab can make me look like I have a double chin.

Like what the hell, I'm two-face.

ups and downs

Yesterday me and Jose found the channel FitTV! I found this pretty cool cause it has like 4 hours of workout shows, I thought o:! from 7am-12pm I can workout? Think of how many calories I could burn! And it's free, who doesn't love that. BUT, I don't have it at my house. My family is too lazy to spend the extra like 10bucks for another 100 channels, bah. It replays at 4 so maybe I'll workout before dinner everyday at his house, or I'll just get there early in the morning. Like run over there, get there by 10, then exercise, all before he even gets up. x) who knows! I'll test some stuff out. It'll have to wait though till Monday.

Banana - 100cal
Slice of Cheese - 80cal
V-8 (my new love) - 30cal
Pretzels - 75cal
Granola Bar - 100cal
Steamed Rice (3oz) - 150cal
Shrimp with Broccoli - 400cal??
Egg Roll - 200cal??

Total - 1135cal+

I thought I'd do okay today, I was reaching for 900 but we got chinese take-out. I still have left overs too, and I'm one to hate wasting food. So I'll probably finish it tonight, and just start a new tomorrow. Blah, hopefully tomorrow isn't so terrible.

d: -Audri

Nom Nom

So I decided I'll mainly write what I eat each day so it's quick and to the point. And if I have stuff to write about then I will, so yep.

Green Tea - 180cal
Yogurt - 100cal

Granola Bar - 100cal

Wanchai Ferry - 400cal

Cheese Slice and Pretzel - 100cal

Salad -200cal

v-8 - 30cal

Fruit Cup - 80cal

Total: 1190cal

a little more then yesterday but variety is important. o.O or so I'm telling myself, hopefully I'll run tomorrow.

-Audri

Not so bad.

Yesterday was pretty fun. Me and Jose went to the mall, sold some books (got $18, all right!), took a nap x) and walked to go get ice cream. Today I definitely have to clean his room. It's seriously terrible. He had to of gone to bed sometime after 3a.m. though. I don't know which one of us is crazy but we both have different sleep schedules. xD

What I ate yesterday:
Yogurt - 100cal
Granola Bar - 100cal
Salad - 50cal
Green Tea - 50cal
Wetzel's Original Pretzel - 350cal
Ice Cream - 300cal
one french fry, sip of cookie shake - 50cal
total: 1,000cal (about)

So yay (: not so bad! compared to other days. If I keep this up then I can later restrict more, woo! Wish me luck everyone!

<3 -Audri

(:

Another new day! Yesterday went pretty good. I got a lot of stuff done and still had plenty of time to hangout with Jose. We ordered pizza and watched The Strangers. Sad thing, I ate a whole small pizza. like yes before that point I only had... about.. 450 calories? I believe. And I didn't have anything after but still. That's got to be at least 1,300 calories. I need to stop this binge craze. I've been craving that pizza place though for like months. So now I can't get pizza till that happens again. Jose hates pizza so he's helping me in that department. xD Hopefully We're going to go running today. I'm starting the day off good with a nice yogurt, 100cals.

Not much real "news" going on. Once I get settled down with my cleaning routine I'll focus more on my eating. If I don't get this down first then things will rocket into a downward spiral. Nobody wants that.

Stay positive <3 -Audri

So, alright.

Yesterday I talked to Jose and we basically got my problems down to a point. I tried to do everything perfect and to please him way too much. And by doing that I stopped being myself in fear that he'll find a flaw in me. So I lost a lot of my personality. I'm still gonna keep up a lot of my plans. Cause I figure if I'm doing things I want to do I'll start to be more myself. I'm like trapped in this void of I don't know. I force myself into not making opinions and not caring which makes me not.. be me, or like even have a defining factor that is me? Like I've lost who I am. But I'm on a mission to fix things and be normal again. Which is strange cause I was trying to kind of seek "normal" this past year. Like I changed from looking like a cute short emo boy to like a trying to hard normal/indie style girl who looks like she's 12. When I'm 17... yeah. d; pfft. That's what I gotta say.

So some things I wanna change is that I want to cut my hair so it's short again. I am looking forward to a new piercing. One day in the future I will get a tattoo. I will go back to being a vegetarian. And I will start running cause that's important to me.

Yesterday we went to Chile's. I had the Caribbean salad (shrimp, small) The chicken small is supposedly like a under 750 cal meals. I would think shrimp was less calories? also considering there was only 4 of them, they're grilled with seasonings on uhm and their the small ones. Well I only ate like half of it so it was less in calories anyways. But I shared cheesy fries with Jose. Only a half order but, bah. And I had some of his fries. And like 3 glasses of sweetened tea. d; I probably ended up like 1,600 - 2,000 calorie range yesterday v.v makes me sad. But today I'll probably have a ton less! cause I'm starting my vegetarian stuff (well I'm the type of vegetarian that eats fish d; cause I love my fishies.) and I'm probably mainly eating at my house today cause Jose goes to work! his first like actual day (: happy for him. I won't see him like at all today d; But I have to clean my room and probably will start my "work" as well. Doing extra chores around the house everyday for like 50dollars a month (including gas money, leaves me with like 20$ extra.) One thing I want to do is walk/run to where I need to go or take my bike and have Jose take me everywhere XD baha. Well I'm not like gonna force him, it just ends up when I usually go out somewhere I go with him d; so yeah.

Okay I'm getting hungry. Haven't eaten yet, I don't like skipping breakfast v.v So hopefully I'll have a way better day eating wise then yesterday! Good luck with anything you're dealing with (:

<3 -Audri

wha-pow!

I'm feeling very productive and positive today! I have ups and downs, like over the past year I gained the delightful mental disorder of bipolar! o.O not seriously, well not medically actual. Just I've been crazy emotional. I get stressed then angry or sad and lash out at Jose ;c the person I love. We decided that I need to fix this and to stop worrying so much and to go back to how I used to be. Or at least be a happier person in general. So I wrote 3 pages of like. idk reasons why I might be this way and ways to improve it basically. One of them is to blog! so hopefully this will help me x) I'll probably blog a lot. Like close to everyday d;

Today I plan to try and reconnect with some old friends and to talk things over with Jose so that we can do this together and stuff. Plus if someone knows about all the changes I want to make then I'm more likely to do them.

I haven't even thought about eating today v.v I had some cole slaw but I barely ate it and I'm getting very hungry but I'm just putting it off d; One of my goals is to eat 1,000 to 1,600 calories a day. Plus I plan on exercising, also I will try my hardest to eat nutritious foods. So I'm leaning in the healthy range. Which is good! as long as it works d: I haven't really set a weight goal, just like, I want a flat stomach d; cause man! if I get bloated I look like I'm about to pop out a baby, and I need ab muscles so that doesn't happen anymore xD Also not get bloated but yeah.

I hate making Jose unhappy :/ that's one of my problems. I try way to hard and then I take away my own happiness and then end up lashing out or making him unhappy in the end cause I'm unhappy. Bah. It's crazy. I need to learn that, by making myself more happy, I'll most likely be able to be happy with Jose and he'll be happy as well. It's crazy I don't know. Well I got a lot going on in my mind right now but I think I got everything under control. (control d: another thing I have a problem with) hopefully I'll stay happy! Today has to go good.

Hopefully I won't post more later venting d: Have a god day everyone!

<3 -Audri

Just dealing.

I write to write. To get my thoughts out and to organize how I feel. I don't care if it's boring or if anyone reads it or the fact I don't use proper grammar or anything at all! So radda radda, have a good day.

Yesterday all I could think about is getting some yummy food in me. I recognized it as a binging day. I actually don't think I did so bad. When we went to Fridays I had the new dragonfire salmon or whatever it was called. It was pretty tasty. Like real good. Like I'm thinking of going to my boyfriends house to get the leftovers when I'm done writing. Like that good. o_O And I love peanut butter. Which is terrible and fatty. But yet so tasty. Bah.

You see, a year ago I had girl troubles and had mixed feelings for everything and just wanted to better myself. One thing I've always had a problem with? my weight. So, I was gonna fix it. And I lost like 5/10lbs. by not eating a lot and taking in some "tips and tricks" of those pro-ana websites and tried to work out a bit more then I had before. But then I got a boyfriend. He's beautiful and fantastic and probably saved my life. And I went to the doctor, and at 105lbs (5"2' height) I guess there was something to worry about. I was offended by the questions she asked me. I don't have an eating disorder, just a food complex. It's weird. But yes, my boyfriend, who I shall now refer to now as Jose. Name changed for liability reasons? He's not even hispanic. x) I hope I don't offend anyone. Well him and his great loving family likes their food. They go out to eat at least ones a week and gets fast food at least ones a week. So much delicious food. I'm not used to eating like that, gained 15lbs from doctors appointment. I mean it was over about 7 months. But, no little lady wants to hear she's gained weight when she's been the same for like 3 years. d; bah. So I've been in and out of trying to do something! and I'm about 115 now. of course it fluctuates. I don't know, Jose was gone for about 2 weeks from my life cause he was in Costa Rica. He almost died. It was terrible. But I can't keep myself away from Ana blogs. It just corrupts my mind. Half of me wants to just be healthy and exercise and eat right. The other half is like, well you kinda can't because you're lazy and you love food and all the influence from everyone else. bah.

I want to be thin, like I know I'm small. But I have no muscle. People don't understand that I have inches of fat on my stomach and flabby arms and legs. just because I don't weight a ton doesn't mean I don't look disgusting. ugh.

I've done it before so I know that I can lose it, it's just actually restricting :/ and having Jose know about it and be okay with it. Which he won't. I need support. But it's bad! I can't do it! I hate myself sometimes. But what does that matter.

I seriously wonder. Like I'm going to research the effects of an eating disorder and compare it to being obese and things I could be doing like drinking and smoking. (I'm like "straightedge" I guess. I just hate and have no respect for those who choose to ruin their life by drugs. I know, hypocrite right? when I want to, technically, destroy myself by having destructive eating patterns. But at least I'm still me and it's not illegal.) And if whichever has the most risks I will completely forget about and never have it in my life. (I'm obviously hoping for the ED to have less risks.) Cause I hate fat people! which, I mean. My family is fat and I like them I guess. Sorta. And Jose is, well overweight. 200lbs 5"9' or so. :/ But I love my big comfy cuddly baby. And he excepts me for who I am so I never hold it against him. But we both seriously need to get into shape. For, real. That salmon is calling out to me. He's probably not even awake yet, and his friend who slept over stayed up all night again and God knows when he actually went to sleepy. He should be up though if he wants to go to this Costa Rica reunion though. Crazy stuff.

So much to do! So much to say! I'm crazy I know but that's alright.

Have a lovely day. <3 -Audri