quick

Just a quick post cause I should really be getting to bed. I've been busier so that's my reason for not blogging. Food has taken a back burner. So has Japanese, relaxation, cleaning and general other things. School consumes kids. I need to get more organized. But other then that I think I'm doing alrighty. I'm feeling better about Jose. Not like any of you need to know this but we, as you say, made love the other day. He's been seeming more normal and lovey and actually wanting of my presence. Which is very very good. I think I'm doing alright of showing him that I'll always be here. Cause I love him. No matter if I see him everyday or once a week. I'll do what makes him happy. I understand that he will be busy and I will try my darnedest to not get in the way of things or make him stressed. We can make it, I know it.

Other then that nothing much has been going on. Just life. I'm feeling better I think. I was in this funk. But things are getting better. I just needed a little bit of a change (:

btw I'm coloring my hair back to brown. x)

Love ya all -Audri

school... more or less

First day back to school. It was basically shit. I need my privileges so I can sit out in my car for an hour and fifteen min crying softly to myself. I already feel stressed. I'm too afraid to go out and get a job. I hate being a failure. I feel huge and stupid. Jose is idk. He's just.. trying to prove himself right I guess. Prove that he'll be too busy for me. That he will end up not wanting to deal with me. That I'll be too big of a stress in his life. Even though the shit we had last year, at least I had him. I could count on him being there. Now I just feel like a pain in the ass. My head hurts. Even that, why would I complain about that, well I can't even if I should or wanted to cause jose has a bigger one then I do.

ugh. and now I have to go and play happy go lucky trying to be perfect girlfriend and some how dry my eyes and clear my nose cause he's coming to get me. idk why. why can't he just get this pain over with so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

EDIT
Okay done and over with the whining, sorry, but to continue my post, I have more to tell. Still got the headache. Jose is sleeping, i'm outside working on homework and stuff.
Food intake: Peanut Butter toast. A few carrots. Fruit Cup. I think that's it? yeah so like 400cal or less. cool. Whatever. Dinner I have no idea. So yeah.

First day I guess wasn't as bad as I'm making it seem. I have good classes. The hard ones are the ones I'm generally interested in. So it's less of a chore. People in my classes are fine. Everything's fine. Okay I'm starting to get hungry now, boo, hour or so till dinner, I'll hold off. Not sure what else to write so yes. So long.

Blond

I'm currently in the process of dying my hair blond. It will either look retarded or beautiful. I'm hoping the latter. And that Jose likes it. I feel that it might be some like revelation in my life. Like that I'll be this brand new person and people at school will like me and I'll become popular and I'll be more adventurous and my boyfriend will be proud to be with me. rah. I need a change. I sure hope that it will turn out good. Cause I mean it's more then just hair. Like if it fails, it's no big deal and life will continue as normal. But if not, this could be semi-life changing.

What am I talking about I'm blowing it out of proportion lol x) but whateva! I haven't really thought about eating or counting calories or looking at scales (mainly cause I'm afraid) or even exercising. The exercise part I want to get back to cause I just noticed I have more definition in my legs and my calves actually have some muscle in them. It's kinda cool.

I'm going back to school in... 4 days? this Wednesday. It's supper scary. I'm completely planned out though. I know where I gotta go, know where my locker is, got my combo, know some people in my classes, know where I'm goin for lunch. I sure hope it will be a good year. I plan to grow up a bit, actually, scratch that. I hope to stay about the same in maturity but learn to have fun and let loose and be a dork. gain some self-confidence, just generally become a better me. I need that. I'm a litter scattered right now and I just need to bring all my good qualities all into one.

So I wish you girls all the best with whatever you're dealing with right now. If you're in a low, don't worry, you'll get through it. And if you're at a high, don't take it for granted! Be happy and love life no matter what's going on! Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to change things around.

"Forget Regret."

Maybe I should get a tattoo of that. x)

I know I'm crazy, but being positive is nice.

-Audri

Mope

Everyone seems in a rut. I think it's because it's the end of the summer. Or well basically for those who go to school. Today I have to go in to school to get paperwork done and get a parking pass and my senior privileges blah blah blah. Scary. Today I've decided to drink Mountain dew only until my dinner of one small five guys burger with hot sauce, no cheese, and vegetables. no fries. But I probably will eat some anyways. Kind of a completely bad idea. For all Mountain dew is is carbs. but whatever d; I still have a lot of my book to get done. About 70 pages. I guess that's better then before though. And my schedule will tell me if I need to read my other two books. Lovely. With my luck I'll be completely screwed and I'll have to read both of them. If this happens then I'll wake up at 6 like I'm suppose to do for school then I'll have about 6 hours to just read before my day actually starts.

I'm completely scared for school. The usual. I'm a wimp. lol

My body seems like it's kind of getting the picture, despite the fact I've been doing bad and haven't really been exercising. I'm just like. ugh. I don't have time to worry about all this shit and workout for 2 hours (including the breaks in between ;)

My Japanese inspiration is coming back to me. What I mean is I've been inspired to go back to learning Japanese. I've wanted to learn for.... 4/5 years now? and I've gotten as far as learning the majority of Hiragana. I have little vocabulary that I know. I sort of know about 5 Kanji. Lame-o. But I'm trying! again.. I've actually made small progress earlier this summer so if I brush up on that and further it then technically I am in good shape. And even if I fall out of it as long as I take at least one week out of every month to review and add a little then maybe slowly I'll somehow learn more then how I have been in the last few years. whatevas.

GAH

Yesterday was horrible. So extremely horrible. And guess what, there's leftovers! half of me just wants to stuff my face the whole day long again and just eateateateat. But I can't. No. not again.

I either want to do a fast or like a low calorie limit. I doubt I would actually be able to fast though with all the people around me and Jose wouldn't like it either. And I hate wasting food. ugh. So I'm thinking 500cal limit, I won't fuss much about like "oh I should eat to kick start my metabolism" stuff like that. Cause I really shouldn't waste my time and cals like that. basically eat very little, and I won't exercise all too much cause I don't want to lose way too much weight and I don't want to be extremely fatigued.

Just, can't deal.

7/14

I'm really thirsty. But I hate tap water ;c

119 pages to go in "The American Revolution: A History" By Gordon Wood. Plus 6 questions from the worksheet and the summary thing.

Wednesday I get my schedule, very excited for.

The Wednesday after that school starts, not so excited. But I'm a senior woo! It feel so strange cause I'm graduating early. Well I just fit all the requirements into 3 years so I kind of just skipped my Junior year. Long story as to why.

I have to go clean the bathroom.

I vowed not to pester Jose or go over his house until he has texted me back. It's almost 2 o'clock. =.= But I know he's still sleeping. He really needs to get his schedule fixed.

My body just now wants to switch my sleeping schedule. I won't allow it though.

Yesterday I was probably between 1,000 and 2,000 calories and without exercise. All crap food too.

Today I had a quesadilla. Yup.

I probably won't exercise cause it's 90 outside and I can't run or do the workout video and I have more important things to do instead of yoga.

I kind of sorta want to fast but I just can't do that to my body v.v

Random

Okay this has nothing to do with eating or anything really at all it's just a bunch of hullabaloo that came to my mind in the shower. It's very strange and it's a huge peek into my mind. Feel free to read, I'll be writing like I'm addressing someone, but by all means, if you don't have an interest in my crazy mind then move on. x)

My Life: A History
So way back when in the 7th grade I got the idea that I was transgendered. This was sparked by the book Luna by Julie Ann Peters? (forgive me if that's not the Author) At the time I wasn't sure what my sexuality was or why I was feeling the way I was. And being transgendered put everything together. Nice and neat into a pretty little label. So I went on for months engulfing myself in my new being. I was currently involved with a girl. Things felt right, and I was on the path to being happy and truly myself. I fell in love with a queer boy over the internet. I told my parents about how I felt. I went to therapy. I faked that I changed my mind cause I didn't want to deal with their bull. I kept my feelings bottled up. I had a rough 8th grade year. I strapped my boobs down. I even had problems with my body and how it looked then. (though it was because I hated being female not just because I thought I was fat.) I faked who I was on the internet. Well, it felt like I was really being me but that's not how people saw it. I left the Queer boy, because my parents thought it was bring me back to thinking I was trans. I dated a real boy for a few months. But then came along the queer boy again. I left the real boy for him. I told the queer boy that I was really a fucked up girl. Then he told me he was a girl too. But not for the reasons why I called myself a he. And then we became a cute little couple. At the end of the story she fucked my mind up and I'm still paying for it now in my relationship with Jose. I was still me though. I excepted the fact that I was female but I still held my manliness in me. I needed to work on myself and the summer between 9th and 10th grade that's what I did. That's where this all began. I lost weight and hung out with stupid fucking people but I was me and stayed true to myself. I was still jealous of the boys, but now of the girls too. I needed to be tiny to matter what my gender. When I met my new love Jose, I started to change again. I was no longer solely me. I was his partner. His love. I did anything and everything I could to please him. Sadly this backfired. And in the process i lost myself. I'm now emotional, crazy, female, semi-girly and the sheltered shy little girl I was before. I lost all my progress. I am no longer him, (his name was Parker) I no longer have my silent ego, I am not chill and relaxed, I now care what people think about me. I am not my strange weird self. I'm just crazy.

This has now brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I have lost him. How many days I strived. How angry I was. How much power I held within myself. All lost.

The thought that acured to me was - I was only happy when I was him. That's who I truly am and who I want to be. I tried so hard, just like now, except I succeeded. It was right.

Now what does this mean? I mean, nobody said I have to actually change my gender. But can I be that guy in my mind and still be with Jose? Is that the key to making me and him both happy? I'm so extremely confused and scared. There's a lot of me now I don't want to lose. But I know in my mind now that that mind set is what I need. I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to be perfect in school, I don't need to be the picture perfect girl. I just need him.

I wish I wrote in a blog back then. Everything I wrote on my old computers are gone and I have nothing to inspire me.

I feel kind of stupid.
- for wasting this year and reversing all that I've done.
- for trying to go back. (what if I'm wrong and this won't help at all...)

I miss who I was.

I haven't felt right this whole God Damn year.

It's not because of Jose.

It's because me myself and I have gave up. Gave everything to him. In hopes that it would cure me.

Fuck that.

I liked me. He liked me.

I just sure as hell hope he's still somewhere hidden in this skull of mine.

Livestrong

Does anyone use that site? Livestrong.com is a calorie counting, workout tracking, inspirational website. Now yes, it's for those looking for fitness and health. And most people wouldn't call what we do healthy. But unless you put yourself out there no one is going to look at your account. So it's just a simple way to keep track of everything. Plus all you gotta do is type in the name of the food or exercise and select how much you ate or how long you worked out and it automatically has all the numbers! A lot easier instead of trying to memorize food labels.

I feel kind of bad though cause it says I should eat like 1,800 calories a day. Which is completely wrong. I've been maintaining my weight and have been eating in the 1,000 to 1,500 calorie range with exercising at least 300cal of it off. Sooo idc if I'll be under haha but it's pretty cool actually. And it has so many articles on like the best foods to eat and how to tone certain body areas and idk all this stuff. So if any of you are into that sort of thing go check it out! And if you want to add me as a friend on their that's cool just comment and I'll give ya the info (:

Aha.

So I'm already procrastinating on school stuff, haha. I have a book to read for AP US History. Alrighty. I've got it this morning and am on page 12. But I'm also writing like a summary of each part and am doing the questions while I read it instead of at the end. Is it weird that I procrastinate by adding things that I don't need to do? like the summary. It might help. Who knows. I looked on the calendar of stuff we're gonna do and it says nothing about this book. So x) yeah.

I wonder how I'm going to react to the new school year food wise. I'm one of those people who eat when they're bored or when they're procrastinating. So I'll either eat more or I'll eat less. cause now that I know my faults I can be like "no! you're just doing this cause you're bored, you're not hungry yet!" And I don't know if I can keep up exercising. Cause, well we have an elliptical. But it's in my sisters "room" which was originally mine and Jose's room to hang out when we're over here but she took it over. But she works.. but she also keeps the place a disaster area. And it's gross. So disgusting. Everything about her is ew. Maybe it'll motivate me to keep it up when I'm exercising? x) whateves.

I'm slightly mad at Jose cause he got a skype and idk who the hell he's talking to and I mean, facebook chat is one thing but when you add a camera like it can go to way different levels of terribleness. But I know that I just need to chill. Give it up. I'll catch him if he does anything wrong. Until then, life is good, life is happy, he loves me and I love him. Nothing is wrong until something actually is wrong. yes. Stop this bullshit in my head. I'm trying to get better d: Just be me. Don't depend on him so much. You got things to do too. You can be fun and happy without him. Positive self talk. yay.

I really should get back to work haha. idk why I even write in here I feel so dumb sometimes.

whoaaaa

My ring doesn't fit. So I'm losing weight in my fingers? but not places that matter... awesome! =.=

I want to be 105 by the time I dye my hair blond.

I exercised and am doing good today woo

I post too much. lame-o. right here. It's not even interesting either.

You girls inspire me though to keep at it.

WinterGirls - Reviewed.

I'm not like a pro here I'm just saying what I thought about the book. x) It was pretty good. Kind of scary though. That's probably how I was able to read it so fast. d; It scares me cause I don't want to end up like that. As I've said before, I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder. Just a food complex. I want to be strong and healthy. But I still envy those tiny little girls walking around at school or the mall. People already tell me I'm skinny and if I drop any lower in weight my doctor will probably flip. But I don't feel like I'm that small. Like what if I'm already messed up in my thinking and body image. I don't know it just scares me. x)

One part of the book I liked was when she went to the bake sale. The ladies that were there were all like 'oh you're so small, you don't have to worry like us, eat somethin!" And that's exactly the mindset of America. If you're skinny, there is no reason for you to exercise or eat healthy foods. And if you do this there must be something wrong with you. I hate it. HateItHateItHateIt. Cause I'm sitting here, barely able to jog for a minute straight, arteries already starting to line with cholesterol, lungs in bad condition from living with smokers, bubbly ripples of fat around my stomach and thighs. Do they not see the picture? Everyone should exercise. Everyone should eat right. Everyone should be working towards perfection.

I'm happy about the ending of the book. It just reminds me how I want to sort of specialize in trying to recover people with an ED. Show them that there is a way to stay healthy and love how you look. idk if my theory's will work though. But I mean if I just had to never look at a scale again and eat whatever floats my way and not exercise like I think I should then I'd probably go crazy. It's just something that I think we all worry about, all the time. And if we just redirect the mind from going "I must lose weight no matter what" to "I must be healthy no matter what" then those people can still have similar thoughts and worries and feelings that they're naturally always going to have except they have a different goal in mind so they can tackle all their worries in a more positive manner. It seems like it would work in my head. I dunno d:

Okay so this is less of a book review and more of "thoughts that came to mind while reading." But over all it was a good book, very engaging? I guess you would call it that. x) well worth the read, it's not that long either. So go buy it or find it online! xD

Hmm.

I kinda don't know how I feel right now. I'm worrying that I might drop too low. But I'm still in the mind set that I need to still be healthy. So even if progress is slow I think that's okay. But it's not so hard to ignore my hunger or anything like that it's just when I reach the point where my stomach is screaming at me, I decide that I probably have to eat. Which isn't bad but the finding something to eat then eating in proportion and then not eating again in a little bit is my problem. Running is kind of helping, cause I feel like I can't eat anything for 2 hours before I run and then after I run I'm not hungry anymore. So I like that. But then I go through the mind process of realizing I should eat something and blah blah blah. I can't wait till I'm old enough to pick my own food in the house. like in my own house d; I guess I could go grocery shopping and tell my mom what exactly I want but idk.

My nose hurts cause I was blowing my nose with toilet paper instead of tissues.

My life is being a little crazy and I'm focusing more and more on eating and stuff. d; A few of the girls blogging though are reading Wintergirls so I decided to start reading too. x) it's good, probably finish it today or tomorrow.

School starts in 16 days. uhhhhh. fuck. :/ I still can't wear tank tops without being ridiculously self conscious and have to wear a hoodie over it d; boo. I feel my weights going down but my body isn't changing. I'll start sit-ups again cause the program thing just didn't work x) bad timing.

I sit down thinking I'll write just like a paragraph and I get a page. Sorry x)

Keep at it girls, you're all lovely.

Juice

so i completely don't understand juice fasting as of now.

-You drink calories: This is usually a huge no no and most juices have a ton of calories just for a small 8oz.

- In no way is it in the lines of healthy: Unless you get a special, vitamin enriched drink, then there isn't much nutritional value. Mostly just sugar. You could count vitamin C but your body needs more then just that.

- It makes you feel like you're not going to gain anything: This feels nice, but later that day when you've drank too much and you're feeling a bit bloated or when you don't count the calories and go way past any sort of limit, you realize this is a bad thing.

At first I thought it was a good idea but now I think there are more cons then pros. I guess it could be used to keep your metabolism up? I'm not sure if it's true or not so who knows. And I guess it gives you energy so you don't pass out or anything. But it's not like you get full at all.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that it seems way more simple to me to eat a large amount of veggies for 100cal instead of an 8oz glass of juice for 180cal. for example~

Small whole wheat Bagel or slice of bread - 100cal

Yogurt - 70-100cal

Vegetables - 100cal

Breakfast lunch and dinner for 300cal. Gives you more nutrition then just juice, most likely less calories and fills you up better too!

Did I tell you guys I want to be a dietitian? Well yeah I think I'd be good at it. x) or at least enjoy it.

Tell me your guy's opinions! feel free to prove me wrong ;)

Time

I need a Job. 'nough said.

I was negative Calories. Then ate a hot dog. And some texas toast (not all of it, like 3 bites), and pizza for dinner. Basically at least 1000cal. blah.

10cal propel powder things aren't bad I guess if you're sick of no flavor.

I want to be a dietitian I think. But life is so... depressing? Kind of disappointing too. Like. I don't want to screw up. So it makes me sad cause inevitably I will fail at least like half the time.

I want to learn Japanese and be a tiny little girl that could still kick your butt and can handle the stress of a job, boyfriend and awesome grades in school. Whoachaw.

So. Much. Wasted. Time.

Strength

Since I've started running (I'm on week2, day 1) I've been feeling really good about it. I can see small changes in my body and it really motivates me to also eat good too. It's less of a punishment now, that's for sure. (: So I decided I'll find more of these little programs for push-ups and sit-ups. Cause it's better to incorporate different muscles too instead of just the ones used while running. So yay. Hopefully things will go well.

The push-ups are a 6 week program. 3 times a week. Not so bad.
The sit-ups are also a 6 week program(I'm starting at week 3 though cause it told me to x), 3 times a week. This is to get to 200 consecutive.

Hopefully I'll keep up with it.

I wanna be super small bah x) it's always better to be a little too small then too big! That's what I say.

Yesterday went as planned, woo. Today is good too. I weighed 109lb this afternoon. I'm currently like -170cal. woo negative. Ran for an hour, 500ish calories. We're having like a special dinner tonight though for my sisters birthday. I believe I said that yesterday, heh. but yeah atleast I have a good 1500cal to spend without feeling like complete shit. I'll probably do better then that anyways so woo. Okay just a quick entry to say what I ate and stuff. d;

A really good salad is your favorite lettuce with salsa (10cal per 2tbsp) and maybe sour cream. Or you could add a slice of cheese or basically anything you want! it can be as low as 30cal for a decent amount of salad. pretty awesome right? Salsa's also good on baked potatoes instead of all that butter and sour cream. Really a good thing if you have to get one in a restaurant or something.

Stay pretty -Audri

Lets burn!

yesterday wasn't so bad. I felt lighter today. Plus even though last night I was 114 I weighed 111 after my afternoon run today. Which btw was awesome. My little program thing says to run 1min, walk 2 then repeat for a half hour but I didn't run outside so I felt like I was cheating. d; So instead I did that for the first half hour, theeennn the second half hour I did run 1.5 min, walk 1.5min so in total I ran about 25min out of 62min. I burned 500cal and got about 3.5miles in. woo! I think I did alright. A lot better then I usually do. I felt good while doing it too. As of right now I'm negative calories. I know, a yay feeling but I should really eat something. I'll probably have like a 200cal snack and then a small dinner. Tomorrow I want to do about the same thing running wise. I might do more cause it's my sisters birthday and we're gonna have fried foods and Ice cream. gah. My two weaknesses. But that's today so far. It feels a lot better then even when I was counting to 1500cal, cause then I knew how many I could have and then that ice cream or fried thing didn't look so bad, if only I had a little.

Basically eating as little as possible and running as much as I can. I'm really enjoying it now anyways. (: woo

Yuck

So gross. Yesterday I ate sooooo ridiculously much. I went to a grad party and ate like a plate and a half of party food. THEEEENNN I went out to eat with Jose and his parents and I tried a gyro which was either gonna mean that I didn't like it and wasn't gonna eat it but I did like it. I only ate half of it but had a little bit of potato pancakes and a milkshake. I was dying. Literally was bloated a good 3 inches in my stomach. When I got home I cleaned Jose's room for a good 2 hours, better then just sitting or laying watching TV. I guesss. I drank a ton of water to try and clean out my system.

I basically never want to eat again. aha. And I rather be hungry then bloated and full like that ever again. So that's what I'm gonna try and do. I won't count but I might start to soon if I can't keep myself under control. d; lameeee

One good thing, I'm going to the renaissance fair today! lots of walking (: woo. and we don't have a ton of money and I don't want to spend any of mine or Jose's so I won't eat much. mwahaha d;

So stupid to even think I could leave go back to eating normal when I was so successful.

I'm keeping up with my running plan thing! so that's good. today I would have to take a break and walk today so I'll get my walking in at the fair.

Have a good day girls!