Basically I got completely shocked by the realization that Jose, my x-bf, went back to his old ways. I don't know why I was shocked. I just never realized it would happen. I thought maybe I changed him for the better, made him see the light. But in reality, and in comparison to others, he's not that far away from the light. I think he's strong enough and he won't end up like my parents or the druggies at school. He has control and balance. I just hope he won't fall.
We weren't really on the same page. I was in "must fix" mode and he had something else in mind. He just wants us to be us. And if we decide we can't live without each other, then so be it. So I should move on. Don't try and fix anything. Don't even try to fix myself. The main thing I want to focus on for me right now is school. Then I want to juggle in a job. And then maybe a social life. That would be nice. I still want to stay close friends with him. Our lives are so connected. As much as I don't want to let go, I guess I have to. Now it's simply and purely breaking up. Just on good terms. It's so hard. And I'm afraid I'm going to end up not liking him. You see, I never really knew him until we started dating, and he changed a bit for me. So that's all I know. I never knew his party side.
I wish things weren't like this, and I'm probably gonna keep on crying for a while. But I guess it's whats best...
The hardest part probably is leaving his embrace. When we talked today we ended up in a hug on the couch. I could never forget that feeling. It's simple perfect. It makes me feel whole. It's probably one of the top 5 things that makes this so hard. I just hate being alone. I really don't want to give him up...
It's so ridiculously hard.
But I guess nobody said life was easy.
25 October, 2010
24 October, 2010
Day 2
10/24
Today I feel pretty good. I have not had a stomachache, headache or any other physical pain. I've been in pretty good spirits and I'm staying positive. I was kind of stressed earlier because I had a lot of homework to do and I have a test tomorrow. But that has changed, which I'll mention in a sec. I have not had a freak out today.
I haven't talked to Jose today. But, it's not a big deal. I told him yesterday how the space will be good. He still wants to talk, and I mean.. i do too. Definitely. But I really want to take things slow. One day at a time. If we do get back together it probably won't be for another month or so. But it's alright. It's like a vacation.
So my school work, I got up and I knew that I had to work hard today. I got computer stuff out of the way, ate breakfast, organized myself and sat down to read. It started off kind of hard but I decided I needed to just sit down somewhere and get things done. So I knocked out pre calc, contemporary lit., and my econ homework. I also finished up reading for Anatomy. I then decided that I would go to library and I knocked out a lot of review question type things for anatomy. I came home and haven't really done too much but all I have to do is study. I wanted to take a break until dinner and then cram a bunch of information in again. Hopefully it'll all stick in my sleep. I also will be studying during school.
I'm really happy that I got all the work done, especially right away. It's a good start.
I'm content. I have hope. And I just know that things will go good. No matter what happens, it's for the better.
Stay positive.
Today I feel pretty good. I have not had a stomachache, headache or any other physical pain. I've been in pretty good spirits and I'm staying positive. I was kind of stressed earlier because I had a lot of homework to do and I have a test tomorrow. But that has changed, which I'll mention in a sec. I have not had a freak out today.
I haven't talked to Jose today. But, it's not a big deal. I told him yesterday how the space will be good. He still wants to talk, and I mean.. i do too. Definitely. But I really want to take things slow. One day at a time. If we do get back together it probably won't be for another month or so. But it's alright. It's like a vacation.
So my school work, I got up and I knew that I had to work hard today. I got computer stuff out of the way, ate breakfast, organized myself and sat down to read. It started off kind of hard but I decided I needed to just sit down somewhere and get things done. So I knocked out pre calc, contemporary lit., and my econ homework. I also finished up reading for Anatomy. I then decided that I would go to library and I knocked out a lot of review question type things for anatomy. I came home and haven't really done too much but all I have to do is study. I wanted to take a break until dinner and then cram a bunch of information in again. Hopefully it'll all stick in my sleep. I also will be studying during school.
I'm really happy that I got all the work done, especially right away. It's a good start.
I'm content. I have hope. And I just know that things will go good. No matter what happens, it's for the better.
Stay positive.
23 October, 2010
Time to change.
I go through these.... Freak outs. My head fills with hateful thoughts towards myself. I blame myself for things. I say that I'm not good enough. That I've failed. That I don't deserve love. And other things of this nature.
This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.
I completely understand.
And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.
He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.
The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.
Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.
My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.
"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."
Stay Positive!
Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.
See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.
This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.
I completely understand.
And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.
He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.
The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.
Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.
My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.
"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."
Stay Positive!
Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.
See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.
22 October, 2010
Done
Okay, I'm done now, lets go back to everything being normal again.
I hate this.
hateithateithateithateit.
I went back to school today. Ya know he was all "I want to be friends still and hang out and talk" well I mean... friends still talk to each other in the hall. Friends still eat lunch together. Friends still talk to each other in class.
I'm just so alone.
Any other friends I have are his and I just feel like they look at me differently now and I make things awkward. I mean.. I wasn't talking to them just cause they were my boyfriends friend so I never thought they were just talking back because they had to.
I just...
He's going to get over this.
And I'm terrified.
He's so much apart of me.
I can't just give that up.
I'm completely unmotivated to do anything. I just want to sleep. Or hide forever away from the world. Never show my face again to society. Basically anything.
I hate this fucking feeling. It's just empty. Nothing matters. It's all shit.
I don't want to be left in the dirt.
I guess the good thing is I completely have lost my appetite for any food at all, hunger is extremely easy to ignore and basically the only reason I am eating because I know I have to.
And what if I got too skinny and he wouldn't want me back because of that...
Just fuck everything.
I hate this.
hateithateithateithateit.
I went back to school today. Ya know he was all "I want to be friends still and hang out and talk" well I mean... friends still talk to each other in the hall. Friends still eat lunch together. Friends still talk to each other in class.
I'm just so alone.
Any other friends I have are his and I just feel like they look at me differently now and I make things awkward. I mean.. I wasn't talking to them just cause they were my boyfriends friend so I never thought they were just talking back because they had to.
I just...
He's going to get over this.
And I'm terrified.
He's so much apart of me.
I can't just give that up.
I'm completely unmotivated to do anything. I just want to sleep. Or hide forever away from the world. Never show my face again to society. Basically anything.
I hate this fucking feeling. It's just empty. Nothing matters. It's all shit.
I don't want to be left in the dirt.
I guess the good thing is I completely have lost my appetite for any food at all, hunger is extremely easy to ignore and basically the only reason I am eating because I know I have to.
And what if I got too skinny and he wouldn't want me back because of that...
Just fuck everything.
20 October, 2010
Break
We're calling it quits for a while.
me and Jose.
I'm not happy at all about it.
I feel empty.
I have physical symptoms of pain which I find peculiar. They say old people die after their significant other has purely of their heart stopping. I believe it. They can't handle it. Sometimes I feel like it too.
I just love that man.
Like these days where I knew where it was coming. I can't stop thinking about how I still believe that he's the most beautiful person I've ever known. He's so great on so many levels.
I don't know what's been up with him.
Part of it is my fault.
He feels like part of it is his fault.
I'm afraid that something else has been wrong. Something else has been happening.
I don't know.
We're keeping things open though.
He still wants to be friends cause I mean... we are best friends.
If anything I want that.
I mean.. I half feel like his mom, sometimes I feel like I care more about him then his actual mom.
Maybe that's a thing wrong with me.. he's not used to it.
Bah.
I have no idea.
My nose it getting pretty raw.
I'm not going to school tomorrow.
Need to catch up on homework.
Fuck it.
It would look good if I got my notes done and gave them to my teacher at the end of the day.
Lets see how that goes...
I need to stop by anyways afterward to get homework.
....
I just gotta keep telling myself, I want him to be happy, that's part of love.
I think he'd be proud of me if I got my act together a bit more and got a job.
Also if I did more things for myself.
I'll start trying to learn Japanese again.
If I can.
I don't know.
I'm so scared I'll turn to bones.
me and Jose.
I'm not happy at all about it.
I feel empty.
I have physical symptoms of pain which I find peculiar. They say old people die after their significant other has purely of their heart stopping. I believe it. They can't handle it. Sometimes I feel like it too.
I just love that man.
Like these days where I knew where it was coming. I can't stop thinking about how I still believe that he's the most beautiful person I've ever known. He's so great on so many levels.
I don't know what's been up with him.
Part of it is my fault.
He feels like part of it is his fault.
I'm afraid that something else has been wrong. Something else has been happening.
I don't know.
We're keeping things open though.
He still wants to be friends cause I mean... we are best friends.
If anything I want that.
I mean.. I half feel like his mom, sometimes I feel like I care more about him then his actual mom.
Maybe that's a thing wrong with me.. he's not used to it.
Bah.
I have no idea.
My nose it getting pretty raw.
I'm not going to school tomorrow.
Need to catch up on homework.
Fuck it.
It would look good if I got my notes done and gave them to my teacher at the end of the day.
Lets see how that goes...
I need to stop by anyways afterward to get homework.
....
I just gotta keep telling myself, I want him to be happy, that's part of love.
I think he'd be proud of me if I got my act together a bit more and got a job.
Also if I did more things for myself.
I'll start trying to learn Japanese again.
If I can.
I don't know.
I'm so scared I'll turn to bones.
13 October, 2010
Pretty
I want to feel pretty again.
But I don't want to be obsessive again. I'm afraid of that. humph. d:
Yesterday me and Jose had a nice night. We made love and went to Macaroni Grill. I had pizza, it was yummy. He had this to die for lobster ravioli. I tried some of it, so good. And we shared chocolate cake. I don't want to think of the numbers. We went home and cuddled. It was nice. I miss it. But I think he enjoyed himself too. And he probably had a nice time after I went home playing video games and such. Sometimes I get worried but I think it's a good thing we're kind of keeping things apart. I'm not crowding him or anything and I can get my stuff done too. It's working good. It has to.
I'm skipping school today because today is pointless. I need to go and get homework after school though.
I should probably get myself ready for the day. I've been lazy and playing games. I want to at least practice my German and do the homework that I can. I guess I'm going to get my shot too sometime today. ugh. I don't want to be crazy. I wish it didn't do that to me. I almost wish that I could lock Jose into being with me by getting pregnant. But that would be beyond cruel. IT might not be what's happy for him. And I couldn't pull that off.
Blah. idk.
For college I guess I'll stay home for a year to make my mom happy and stop all this stress. But that means I need to get a job. It would make Jose happy. And when Jose is happy, I'm happy. And I'll be able to pay for things more. I still have a craving for Chipotle.
I'm waiting to be really thin till later. I just can't think about it right now.
But I don't want to be obsessive again. I'm afraid of that. humph. d:
Yesterday me and Jose had a nice night. We made love and went to Macaroni Grill. I had pizza, it was yummy. He had this to die for lobster ravioli. I tried some of it, so good. And we shared chocolate cake. I don't want to think of the numbers. We went home and cuddled. It was nice. I miss it. But I think he enjoyed himself too. And he probably had a nice time after I went home playing video games and such. Sometimes I get worried but I think it's a good thing we're kind of keeping things apart. I'm not crowding him or anything and I can get my stuff done too. It's working good. It has to.
I'm skipping school today because today is pointless. I need to go and get homework after school though.
I should probably get myself ready for the day. I've been lazy and playing games. I want to at least practice my German and do the homework that I can. I guess I'm going to get my shot too sometime today. ugh. I don't want to be crazy. I wish it didn't do that to me. I almost wish that I could lock Jose into being with me by getting pregnant. But that would be beyond cruel. IT might not be what's happy for him. And I couldn't pull that off.
Blah. idk.
For college I guess I'll stay home for a year to make my mom happy and stop all this stress. But that means I need to get a job. It would make Jose happy. And when Jose is happy, I'm happy. And I'll be able to pay for things more. I still have a craving for Chipotle.
I'm waiting to be really thin till later. I just can't think about it right now.
09 October, 2010
Like really?
My life basically has been turned up-side-down.
Jose - We have come to the realization that we need to end our relationship sometime before college because it just won't work or something like that.
.... It makes me cry.
But.. I understand. And I have the belief that if we are truly meant to be together then one day life will throw us back together.
So basically all I want is to keep the status, as of now, the same. I want to enjoy the comfort he gives me. I want to give him everything he ever could want. I want to give him the room he needs and not be naggy to see him. If we aren't happy just being almost "friends with benefits" then it can stop with a few simple words. Of course my rules still stand. But things will be loose. I won't bug him. I won't need to see him all the time. He can hang out with friends. Things will be good. That's all I want. I want things to be good and for me to be happy until the end of my senior year. I'll take the summer to cry to myself everyday and be filled with anger. I'll take the summer to realize I need to take my life over and make myself happy, and don't rely on others.
Is that so hard to ask for?
College - I have officially decided (I forget if I've said this before, apologies) that I will go out of state for college. Unless for some strange reason Jose changes his mind. But being realistic, probably won't happen. (I might just send out some applications for in-state colleges just in case....) It's time to move. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people who will need to constantly change scenery. In my childhood I changed schools 5 times. And now I need to do it again.
Family - I've learned some things about my family that I hate to say and am basically ashamed of. My parents are going to officially separate. The moment my mom can get a job after the bankruptcy is finished he's going to move out. I've basically have been lied to my whole life. I never caught on. I guess I also appreciate that I never knew until now, since I'm older and more mature, but it still kinda is just like. geez. My dad has have a drug problem on and off basically since he was a young teen. My mom quit before my memory had started to form. They are both alcoholics. I already knew this but it's just an added bonus. My dad has probably cheated on my mom multiple times. They have not told me but, I can piece at least that together. It really makes me scared. If I never even knew the difference between my own father being sober or drunk/stoned then how could I have ever realized it on anybody else? ugh. My aunt is his supplier. My cousin is trapped in the same cycle as them. My grandma is pretty revealing when she's drunk. I hate the fact that she just assumes that I'm another stupid teen that'll fuck up their life with alcohol and drugs. "put a little beer in it, we won't say nothing." Fucking cunt. It's like I'm the lone white sheep in the family. I just want to get away.
School - I need to keep studying. I hope I can manage a B in AP US. I need to work on my German. There is no reason for me to not get an A in that class. And that's basically what I'll be doing this weekend.
Stupid pimples. I hate stress. I'm probably about the same weight. The food groove is good right now.
Jose - We have come to the realization that we need to end our relationship sometime before college because it just won't work or something like that.
.... It makes me cry.
But.. I understand. And I have the belief that if we are truly meant to be together then one day life will throw us back together.
So basically all I want is to keep the status, as of now, the same. I want to enjoy the comfort he gives me. I want to give him everything he ever could want. I want to give him the room he needs and not be naggy to see him. If we aren't happy just being almost "friends with benefits" then it can stop with a few simple words. Of course my rules still stand. But things will be loose. I won't bug him. I won't need to see him all the time. He can hang out with friends. Things will be good. That's all I want. I want things to be good and for me to be happy until the end of my senior year. I'll take the summer to cry to myself everyday and be filled with anger. I'll take the summer to realize I need to take my life over and make myself happy, and don't rely on others.
Is that so hard to ask for?
College - I have officially decided (I forget if I've said this before, apologies) that I will go out of state for college. Unless for some strange reason Jose changes his mind. But being realistic, probably won't happen. (I might just send out some applications for in-state colleges just in case....) It's time to move. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people who will need to constantly change scenery. In my childhood I changed schools 5 times. And now I need to do it again.
Family - I've learned some things about my family that I hate to say and am basically ashamed of. My parents are going to officially separate. The moment my mom can get a job after the bankruptcy is finished he's going to move out. I've basically have been lied to my whole life. I never caught on. I guess I also appreciate that I never knew until now, since I'm older and more mature, but it still kinda is just like. geez. My dad has have a drug problem on and off basically since he was a young teen. My mom quit before my memory had started to form. They are both alcoholics. I already knew this but it's just an added bonus. My dad has probably cheated on my mom multiple times. They have not told me but, I can piece at least that together. It really makes me scared. If I never even knew the difference between my own father being sober or drunk/stoned then how could I have ever realized it on anybody else? ugh. My aunt is his supplier. My cousin is trapped in the same cycle as them. My grandma is pretty revealing when she's drunk. I hate the fact that she just assumes that I'm another stupid teen that'll fuck up their life with alcohol and drugs. "put a little beer in it, we won't say nothing." Fucking cunt. It's like I'm the lone white sheep in the family. I just want to get away.
School - I need to keep studying. I hope I can manage a B in AP US. I need to work on my German. There is no reason for me to not get an A in that class. And that's basically what I'll be doing this weekend.
Stupid pimples. I hate stress. I'm probably about the same weight. The food groove is good right now.
05 October, 2010
ugh
I don't even want to talk. Just ugh. Anger!
Few small changes to my goals
- a job can wait till the beginning of next year
- do everything possible to try and get into a college of my liking
I half want to cry
I half want to stop all this fucking crying and down on myself bullshit and get over it and just fix the fuck out of everything.
Things need to change, right the fuck now.
Few small changes to my goals
- a job can wait till the beginning of next year
- do everything possible to try and get into a college of my liking
I half want to cry
I half want to stop all this fucking crying and down on myself bullshit and get over it and just fix the fuck out of everything.
Things need to change, right the fuck now.
04 October, 2010
Goals
I want a change. Nough said.
Goals for October
- Possibly change birth control
- Maintain my weight (continue to not worry about it)
- Keep up with the regular yoga and sit-ups
- Get a B in AP US History (being... semi-realistic here)
- shoot for an A in all other classes
- Get a job
I don't want to go over board so that's enough. There's about 3 that I actually have to work for. Well 2 real hard, 1 go out of my way, and the other 3 are just maintaining. I can do it, right? I was having just "one of those days" I don't know how to explain it. But I hung out with Jose and he makes me feel better. I always plan to talk to him but it's difficult for me to do and especially when just being with him makes me feel better. I also had a little binge with chocolate milk, this little biscuit thing and a Swiss roll. I didn't eat the peanut butter crackers though! and because of it I'm gonna have a small dinner. aha idk x) that could have made me cry or something crazy before but it's no big deal.
Well off to dinner. Gotta do some homework and possibly get a good nights rest. Plan out some things maybe. Things will be good. I may update more often on my goals but who knows. Hope everyone is doing great!
Stay Positive.
That's the thing that'll get you through till tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so forth.
Goals for October
- Possibly change birth control
- Maintain my weight (continue to not worry about it)
- Keep up with the regular yoga and sit-ups
- Get a B in AP US History (being... semi-realistic here)
- shoot for an A in all other classes
- Get a job
I don't want to go over board so that's enough. There's about 3 that I actually have to work for. Well 2 real hard, 1 go out of my way, and the other 3 are just maintaining. I can do it, right? I was having just "one of those days" I don't know how to explain it. But I hung out with Jose and he makes me feel better. I always plan to talk to him but it's difficult for me to do and especially when just being with him makes me feel better. I also had a little binge with chocolate milk, this little biscuit thing and a Swiss roll. I didn't eat the peanut butter crackers though! and because of it I'm gonna have a small dinner. aha idk x) that could have made me cry or something crazy before but it's no big deal.
Well off to dinner. Gotta do some homework and possibly get a good nights rest. Plan out some things maybe. Things will be good. I may update more often on my goals but who knows. Hope everyone is doing great!
Stay Positive.
That's the thing that'll get you through till tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so forth.
01 October, 2010
It's October
Yeah, it feels weird. Things are going by way too fast. Does anybody else feel like this too? Maybe it's just cause I'm getting older. Every year seems to go by faster and faster.
I haven't been paying too much attention to weight. It's no big deal. I don't feel bad either. This past week I've been doing at least a little bit of exercise each day. Today is an exception but I think I'm going to do yoga sometime this evening. I like the feeling of being sore. It just shows that your doing something. Especially my abs, I'm always happy when they're sore. Except I don't like to work my muscles too hard, they need to rest sometimes too so it's a give and take situation. I've been taking my calcium about everyday too. I need to get back in the habit of it, it's pretty bad when I don't.
Me and Jose have been good. I just kind of realized that he's more irritable (like easily irritated.. that the word for that right?) when he has to work so much and doesn't get very much sleep and can't do the things he wants. I'm trying to be really understanding. I have to learn to think about these things. I've also have been giving him plenty of room. He's worked 5 to close on Tuesday, Thursday, and today. All three days I went straight home so he can be alone at home too. That's a good 2 hours before he goes to work. And he's been honest with me too, I asked him if he wanted me over for a little bit today and he said he rather just relax. I get it, he also only had like 5 and a half hours of sleep. I hope he feels a lot better tomorrow. I'll text him but not bother him to get up unless it's like 2 o'clock. x) It also depends on if his friend slept over or not. But yeah. Overall I've been trying and hopefully it's paying off. I've even played halo with him so he wouldn't feel bad for playing while I was there. Plus it's fun. x)
I had a huge freak out like anxiety attack on Tuesday but since then I haven't been letting myself get stressed about school. It's all good. The quarter is over in like 2 weeks and I still have all A's except AP US which I hope I can get up to at least a B. Pretty sure I can do that. Just gotta work a little harder. I gotta get pumped! I really want to finish my homework for this weekend today so tomorrow I can relax and play games or clean or do anything I want that I haven't been able to in a little while. I just have to complete a review sheet for AP US and I want to make note cards, read, and do questions/make a review sheet for Anatomy. I can do this! yeah!
I have this feature on my yoga game, it's 5min yoga that focuses on a certain thing. It has 3 categories: mind, body, and beauty. I think? yeah. aha I guess it's just a placebo but it kind of works. x) I'll do the "focus" one so I can get stuff done. sounds like a good plan? alright!
For those who read this, I apologize for it not being food focused and more just my life focused. As of right now it's really working for me to just eat healthy and try not to think about it. We'll see how things go.
hope you all are doing great!
I haven't been paying too much attention to weight. It's no big deal. I don't feel bad either. This past week I've been doing at least a little bit of exercise each day. Today is an exception but I think I'm going to do yoga sometime this evening. I like the feeling of being sore. It just shows that your doing something. Especially my abs, I'm always happy when they're sore. Except I don't like to work my muscles too hard, they need to rest sometimes too so it's a give and take situation. I've been taking my calcium about everyday too. I need to get back in the habit of it, it's pretty bad when I don't.
Me and Jose have been good. I just kind of realized that he's more irritable (like easily irritated.. that the word for that right?) when he has to work so much and doesn't get very much sleep and can't do the things he wants. I'm trying to be really understanding. I have to learn to think about these things. I've also have been giving him plenty of room. He's worked 5 to close on Tuesday, Thursday, and today. All three days I went straight home so he can be alone at home too. That's a good 2 hours before he goes to work. And he's been honest with me too, I asked him if he wanted me over for a little bit today and he said he rather just relax. I get it, he also only had like 5 and a half hours of sleep. I hope he feels a lot better tomorrow. I'll text him but not bother him to get up unless it's like 2 o'clock. x) It also depends on if his friend slept over or not. But yeah. Overall I've been trying and hopefully it's paying off. I've even played halo with him so he wouldn't feel bad for playing while I was there. Plus it's fun. x)
I had a huge freak out like anxiety attack on Tuesday but since then I haven't been letting myself get stressed about school. It's all good. The quarter is over in like 2 weeks and I still have all A's except AP US which I hope I can get up to at least a B. Pretty sure I can do that. Just gotta work a little harder. I gotta get pumped! I really want to finish my homework for this weekend today so tomorrow I can relax and play games or clean or do anything I want that I haven't been able to in a little while. I just have to complete a review sheet for AP US and I want to make note cards, read, and do questions/make a review sheet for Anatomy. I can do this! yeah!
I have this feature on my yoga game, it's 5min yoga that focuses on a certain thing. It has 3 categories: mind, body, and beauty. I think? yeah. aha I guess it's just a placebo but it kind of works. x) I'll do the "focus" one so I can get stuff done. sounds like a good plan? alright!
For those who read this, I apologize for it not being food focused and more just my life focused. As of right now it's really working for me to just eat healthy and try not to think about it. We'll see how things go.
hope you all are doing great!
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