Basically I got completely shocked by the realization that Jose, my x-bf, went back to his old ways. I don't know why I was shocked. I just never realized it would happen. I thought maybe I changed him for the better, made him see the light. But in reality, and in comparison to others, he's not that far away from the light. I think he's strong enough and he won't end up like my parents or the druggies at school. He has control and balance. I just hope he won't fall.
We weren't really on the same page. I was in "must fix" mode and he had something else in mind. He just wants us to be us. And if we decide we can't live without each other, then so be it. So I should move on. Don't try and fix anything. Don't even try to fix myself. The main thing I want to focus on for me right now is school. Then I want to juggle in a job. And then maybe a social life. That would be nice. I still want to stay close friends with him. Our lives are so connected. As much as I don't want to let go, I guess I have to. Now it's simply and purely breaking up. Just on good terms. It's so hard. And I'm afraid I'm going to end up not liking him. You see, I never really knew him until we started dating, and he changed a bit for me. So that's all I know. I never knew his party side.
I wish things weren't like this, and I'm probably gonna keep on crying for a while. But I guess it's whats best...
The hardest part probably is leaving his embrace. When we talked today we ended up in a hug on the couch. I could never forget that feeling. It's simple perfect. It makes me feel whole. It's probably one of the top 5 things that makes this so hard. I just hate being alone. I really don't want to give him up...
It's so ridiculously hard.
But I guess nobody said life was easy.
25 October, 2010
24 October, 2010
Day 2
10/24
Today I feel pretty good. I have not had a stomachache, headache or any other physical pain. I've been in pretty good spirits and I'm staying positive. I was kind of stressed earlier because I had a lot of homework to do and I have a test tomorrow. But that has changed, which I'll mention in a sec. I have not had a freak out today.
I haven't talked to Jose today. But, it's not a big deal. I told him yesterday how the space will be good. He still wants to talk, and I mean.. i do too. Definitely. But I really want to take things slow. One day at a time. If we do get back together it probably won't be for another month or so. But it's alright. It's like a vacation.
So my school work, I got up and I knew that I had to work hard today. I got computer stuff out of the way, ate breakfast, organized myself and sat down to read. It started off kind of hard but I decided I needed to just sit down somewhere and get things done. So I knocked out pre calc, contemporary lit., and my econ homework. I also finished up reading for Anatomy. I then decided that I would go to library and I knocked out a lot of review question type things for anatomy. I came home and haven't really done too much but all I have to do is study. I wanted to take a break until dinner and then cram a bunch of information in again. Hopefully it'll all stick in my sleep. I also will be studying during school.
I'm really happy that I got all the work done, especially right away. It's a good start.
I'm content. I have hope. And I just know that things will go good. No matter what happens, it's for the better.
Stay positive.
Today I feel pretty good. I have not had a stomachache, headache or any other physical pain. I've been in pretty good spirits and I'm staying positive. I was kind of stressed earlier because I had a lot of homework to do and I have a test tomorrow. But that has changed, which I'll mention in a sec. I have not had a freak out today.
I haven't talked to Jose today. But, it's not a big deal. I told him yesterday how the space will be good. He still wants to talk, and I mean.. i do too. Definitely. But I really want to take things slow. One day at a time. If we do get back together it probably won't be for another month or so. But it's alright. It's like a vacation.
So my school work, I got up and I knew that I had to work hard today. I got computer stuff out of the way, ate breakfast, organized myself and sat down to read. It started off kind of hard but I decided I needed to just sit down somewhere and get things done. So I knocked out pre calc, contemporary lit., and my econ homework. I also finished up reading for Anatomy. I then decided that I would go to library and I knocked out a lot of review question type things for anatomy. I came home and haven't really done too much but all I have to do is study. I wanted to take a break until dinner and then cram a bunch of information in again. Hopefully it'll all stick in my sleep. I also will be studying during school.
I'm really happy that I got all the work done, especially right away. It's a good start.
I'm content. I have hope. And I just know that things will go good. No matter what happens, it's for the better.
Stay positive.
23 October, 2010
Time to change.
I go through these.... Freak outs. My head fills with hateful thoughts towards myself. I blame myself for things. I say that I'm not good enough. That I've failed. That I don't deserve love. And other things of this nature.
This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.
I completely understand.
And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.
He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.
The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.
Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.
My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.
"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."
Stay Positive!
Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.
See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.
This is the basic reason for the downfall of mine and Joses relationship. He couldn't deal with it anymore. It breaks his heart to see me like that. And I don't blame him. Technically, that is kind of the reason, well one of the reasons, for why I broke up with Morgan. I couldn't deal with a girl who wanted to die. I worry him. I make him feel bad. And he's just trying to save himself.
I completely understand.
And now it's time to fix me. It started, a while ago I guess. I'm not sure exactly when, but by the summer it was happening frequently. I have no idea what happens. But once it starts, I can't stop it, it just needs to go away by itself. It seems to be triggered by fears. Jose usually gets caught in the middle. All he wants to do is help me but he can't. I'm the only one who can help me. So from today on, I'm going to change everything.
He loves me. He really does. Things just need to change.
The Plan
because we all got one x)
- Write in my blog daily. especially to vent.
- Ask myself the following questions:
How do I physically feel today?
How do I mentally feel today?
Do I feel stressed?
Have I had a freak out? if yes then what about, what triggered it?
- Talk to Jose once a week about things.
How is he?
How does he feel about our separation?
Recognize if there is still hope.
Tell him about any significant break through that I've had.
- Focus on school work.
- Eat healthy.
- Find something that is relaxing and that I enjoy doing.
- assess the possibility of finding a job.
- When the time comes, work out a new situation in our relationship.
Day 1 - 10/23
Questions: I've had a stomach ache on and off today. But generally I feel neutral. Still Kind of empty. I'm kind of stressed by the fact that I have a Human Anatomy test on Monday that I'm not really ready for yet. I had a freak out today. And I've been generally sad about the Jose situation. What triggered the freak out was the thought that Jose was moving on like things were nothing. That I was nothing. It then slowly spiraled out of control. I was texting him and it gradually got worse, and he was in the middle of it.
Lesson learned... don't text while having a freak out.
My stomach is bubbling. It probably has been upset because of the whole situation.
I'm kicking my ED to the curve. I brought it on myself, I can get it away. If I'm ever feeling bad about my body then I will do this routine.
- eat healthy, do yoga and sit-ups
But I generally want to eat healthy anyways.
Once I get things under control with my school work, I will then start with general healthy eating habits, and then a job. I think before me and Jose get back together I need to get a job. It's something he'll be proud of me for and it will keep us staying apart the appropriate amounts.
"I am in control of my own future. I know how I want to live when I'm older. I will get there."
Stay Positive!
Things I have decided
- I will go to a community college for my first year. (Unless I get excepted to OSU)
- I will not worry as to which college I will go to until next August.
- I will pursue a major in which I can become a Dietitian.
- I will minor in Asian studies/Japanese language courses.
See, problems solved.
Talk to ya'll tomorrow.
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